The bits of the exit plan the Government hasn't mentioned yet

WITH a clear, common sense exit plan in place, things will gradually get back to normal. Right? Apart from these minor issues:

You will be kept at work

Once you return to work, you will not be allowed to leave. The economy will soon be back on its feet thanks to the economic benefits of slavery. You will eat from the vending machines and your new wife is the Red Dwarf-obsessed IT support guy.

Kids run wild

Buoyed by the news that a real-life Lord of the Flies went fine, children will be set free to roam the country in ragged packs having adventures. In theory. In practice they will be all at home on devices, like now.

The cyborg initiative

In a project born in a Dominic Cummings ‘blue skies’ brainstorming session, all Britons will be converted into cyber-people immune to any virus apart from the ILOVEYOU worm. Download your mind onto your desktop and back it up on a USB if you want any chance of remembering who you once were.

Walking is the future

According to Boris Johnson, walking will become everyone’s new commute so now everyone must walk like frustrated motorists. Get right up someone’s arse all the time, walk in front of people randomly and give them the finger, and ‘park’ badly by lying spreadeagled on the pavement for a nap.

No NHS

Like PPE, the NHS is single-use. After this it’s done. It’ll be replaced with a private insurance system that will be perfectly affordable as long as you never get ill.

Feudalism and serfdom

Idiots criticise feudalism as a model for a modern society. But what if you owned your own castle? You maybe could, and B&Q could start selling MDF castellations.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Nation still doing congas told to rely on its common sense

A COUNTRY forming celebratory conga lines as recently as this weekend has been told to use its innate common sense to figure out lockdown restrictions.

The government has confirmed that its bewildering guidelines are perfectly clear to the kind of focused rational thinkers who dance in the street to Black Lace.

Conga dancer Emma Bradford said: “It’s totally safe to meet up with both parents in the park if you’re all staying two metres apart and doing the time warp. Simples.

“And if you want to invite friends round for a barbecue, protect each other by doing the Macarena at all times. I don’t see how the government could make it any more straightforward to be honest.

“It’s perfectly safe to work next to someone, you can’t see relatives, you can drive from Middlesbrough to Cornwall but never cross the border to Wales, stay alert means stay home, and you can perform unlimited tangos in the park. What’s confusing?”

NHS worker Nikki Hollis said: “You think this country has common sense? You should see the stuff I’ve had to surgically remove from arses over the years.”

Next story ›