The f**king idiot's guide to why you shouldn't wear a face mask

OUTRAGED at the idea of strapping a life-saving piece of cloth to your face? Here’s how to justify your pointless opposition to face masks.

Common sense is more effective

The VE Day conga is concrete proof that England can be relied upon to use its world-beating common sense in a crisis. This means there’s no use for face masks, and we can probably do without seat belts and the fire brigade too.

They make me look stupid

The nose and mouth are famously the coolest parts of the body, and by hiding them away you might as well be walking around with your flies undone. When you leave your facial cavities exposed, people want to shag you. That’s just scientific fact.

They undermine nature

A protective mask flies in the face of nature’s magnificently designed respiratory system. Just ignore that the natural world also currently includes an incurable virus that’s killed hundreds of thousands of people. Ours is not to reason why.

Trump wears them now

Trump has been wrestled into a face mask, so anyone who follows his example is also tacitly agreeing with all of his dog whistle political messages. Show you’re nothing like him by vocalising your hatred for face masks with some all caps tweets.

There’s no scientific benefit

Lots of things have no scientific benefit, such as working in marketing or Brexit, but they still exist. Given the death toll, why not err on the side of caution instead of throwing a big tantrum as if your mum has made you wear a sensible anorak to school.

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Man tries to impress woman with everything that makes him a twat

A MAN has attempted to impress his date with all the aspects of his personality that make him an unbearable twat. 

Martin Bishop used a first date with Hannah Tomlinson, who he has fancied for absolutely ages, to go over everything terrible about him to try and kindle a romantic spark between them.

He said: “I just want to make sure I make the right impression on the first date, you know? Let her know I’m an alpha.

“So I’ve gone in about how much I can bench, told her about all the cash I made on the stock market investing in big pharma, listed all the women I’d slept with marking each one out of ten.

“Then I showed her photos of my car, including the hand-tooled leather interior, and told her what a nice guy I am and that I could beat up any of her exes one-handed. And really hammer them. Like hospitalised.

“To finish, I ordered a single malt, sniffed it and commented to the waiter about its ‘phenolic and mouth-coating quality’. Yeah. Think she was impressed.”

Tomlinson said: “He asked the chef could chop up some habaneros and put them in his chocolate mousse to give it extra kick. What a complete tosser.”