The Government Guide to Christmas 2020

HELLO, we’re the government and this is what you should be doing over Christmas 2020:

– Do not see family. You are allowed to see family. Depending on your tier or country, see family if you absolutely have to but don’t travel to see them. The police may or may not be enforcing this.

– Do not say, or think, ‘Christmas is cancelled’. If you do, ensure to associate these thoughts with Sir Keir Starmer.

– Do not stockpile. Consume.

– Do not travel or see other people, unless you are a high-value business traveller in which case you may do anything you like. Visit a restaurant, meet large groups of people, whatever you choose. Our country is yours, sir. We live to serve you.

– Don’t believe in Santa Claus. He’s childish and European. Instead invest every bit of hope and blind faith you have in Brexit and its manifold possibilities.

– Source gifts and goods locally. The motorways of Kent must be protected. Do what the government does and overpay friends who make vague promises that ‘they can get it for you’, then allow no questions about the process.

– Do not feed children illicitly with parcels from UNICEF or school meals from Marcus Rashford. Give them self-respect and pride by letting them fight for scraps.

– Do not allow working-class children unrealistic ambitions. If Fatima asks for ballet shoes for Christmas buy her a book on cybersecurity instead. When better than her one day of festive cheer to start adjusting her hopes downwards?

– Rejoice. Everything is wonderful. Boris will be on the televison to tell you so directly later on today.

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Five reasons to thank your lucky f**king stars you'll be single this Christmas

SAD to be single this Christmas? Here’s why being alone during the festive season is actually f**king brilliant: 

No in-laws

Halving the number of relatives you have to see or FaceTime can’t be bad. With the added pressure this year or either leaving them sad and lonely or potentially killing them at least singletons can pull the ‘yes, I’m all alone for Christmas too’ card before ending the call and grinning in relief.

Full control of the television

If you have a partner, you’ll want to watch Die Hard while they insist that Carols from f**king Kings is more ‘Christmassy’. If you’re blissfully single you never have to put up with someone else’s opinion, which let’s face it is always wrong and bullshit.

Drink what you like when you like

Fancy some festive Baileys on your cornflakes? Go for it. It’s much more enjoyable without some twat who loves you and is concerned for your welfare looking over your shoulder saying things like ‘How many units have you drunk this week’ and ‘It’s a slippery slope.’

Get a takeaway for Christmas dinner

You’re excused the immense faff involved in making Christmas dinner when you’re single. Find out what’s open locally and order something delicious that requires no washing up, like a pizza, sweet-and-sour ribs or a lamb bhuna.

No pretending that you like your presents

When you have a partner who buys you a real ivory chess set because you quite enjoyed The Queen’s Gambit, you have to fake delight that they spent £600 on it. When you’re single you can buy yourself a big Toblerone and be genuinely thrilled about it.