Wednesday, 20th January 2021

The Government Guide to Christmas 2020

HELLO, we’re the government and this is what you should be doing over Christmas 2020:

– Do not see family. You are allowed to see family. Depending on your tier or country, see family if you absolutely have to but don’t travel to see them. The police may or may not be enforcing this.

– Do not say, or think, ‘Christmas is cancelled’. If you do, ensure to associate these thoughts with Sir Keir Starmer.

– Do not stockpile. Consume.

– Do not travel or see other people, unless you are a high-value business traveller in which case you may do anything you like. Visit a restaurant, meet large groups of people, whatever you choose. Our country is yours, sir. We live to serve you.

– Don’t believe in Santa Claus. He’s childish and European. Instead invest every bit of hope and blind faith you have in Brexit and its manifold possibilities.

– Source gifts and goods locally. The motorways of Kent must be protected. Do what the government does and overpay friends who make vague promises that ‘they can get it for you’, then allow no questions about the process.

– Do not feed children illicitly with parcels from UNICEF or school meals from Marcus Rashford. Give them self-respect and pride by letting them fight for scraps.

– Do not allow working-class children unrealistic ambitions. If Fatima asks for ballet shoes for Christmas buy her a book on cybersecurity instead. When better than her one day of festive cheer to start adjusting her hopes downwards?

– Rejoice. Everything is wonderful. Boris will be on the televison to tell you so directly later on today.