Woman working from home on third Christmas movie of day

A WOMAN working from home has already watched Bad Santa and You’ve Got Mail today and is mid-way through a viewing of The Holiday. 

Aquisitions manager Lauren Hewitt is running low on festive movies after doing nothing but bingewatch them since 9am on Monday, but is determined to get paid for the full week even if she has to watch Nativity Rocks!

She said: “I’ve pretty much hit the bottom of the barrel with The Holiday, but what else am I going to do? Work?

“My laptop’s open and I hit the space bar every so often to keep the screen awake as I watch Cameron Diaz and Jude Law get off with each other and shout at Jack Black to f**k off.

“If you ignore the LA half of the film it’s alright. Well, you also have to ignore that there’s a fictional English country shire 40 minutes from central London where Kate Winslet has an affordable cottage and that the Telegraph gives her three weeks off for Christmas.

“Jesus, it’s two and a half hours long. Well, looks like that report’s not being filed until January.”

Hewitt’s boss Joseph Turner said: “Has Lauren done a bloody thing this week apart from the odd whinging email? Also, Winslet getting it on with Jack Black? This film’s bollocks.”

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Everyone in tier 4 town blaming rival tier 4 town

THE residents of a Berkshire town are blaming the dirty bastards in their rival town for the restrictions placed on them. 

Locals in Bracknell believe their cancelled Christmas is entirely the fault of those superspreading twats in Wokingham six miles away, who have always been irresponsible self-important rule-breakers with poor personal hygiene.

Resident Roy Hobbs said: “Our Christmas ruined and our liberty taken for the foreseeable future because those Wokingham sods won’t wash their hands.

“This is typical of that bloody town. They’re all in and out of each other’s houses, coughing and smearing and singing and hugging. Filthy f**kers.”

But Carolyn Ryan of Wokingham disagreed: “That we’re locked down because the unwashed scum of Bracknell who can’t wear masks is unjust. Frankly, I’m waiting for an apology.”

Epidemologist Dr Helen Archer said: “The restrictions have applied uniformly because there is a pandemic and, since medieval times, townsfolk wander beyond their own walls to work, shop and be educated.

“That said I’m in tier 2, which I can only assume is because we’re better than those infectious dicks north of us in Staffordshire.”