Sunday, 27th September 2020

The Guardian reader's guide to breaking up a rave

AS a socially responsible Guardian reader, it’s your duty to prevent young people harming themselves at weekend raves. But how? Here are your questions answered.

What exactly is a ‘rave’?

It used to be getting high in a field with poor toilet facilities and a musical accompaniment, but now can mean anything from a slightly loud house party to an event attended by extremely hard drug dealers. Whatever the case, you must intervene.

What should I say to the young people? 

Get them onside with some hip street slang, eg. “Hello bro, glad you’re chillaxing to the max. I just want you to be aware that Covid remains a serious public health issue. So if you could, like, turn the music off, dude, that would be wicked.”

What if they refuse to shut down the party on my say-so? 

Then it’s the nuclear option. Go back to your house, look up graphs of Covid infection rates, take your laptop over and show them the devastating statistical evidence. You may be offered a can of lager and some crisps, which shows your message is getting through. 

What can I do to stop the spread of Covid at the rave?

In the case of a house party, go inside and pretend to socialise while subtly pushing people away from each other until they are correctly distanced at 1m or more. Also gradually turn the music down and explain you can have just as much fun making a really nice Nigel Slater recipe.

What if they turn violent?

Arm yourself with a pasta machine. No one wants to get their fingers caught in that, and London gangsters will think it’s a horrific torture device used by the Richardson Gang.

What if I can’t break up the rave myself? 

However socially responsible you are, you can’t win them all. Send an angsty email to Mariella Frostrup in the Observer. She will pretend to understand.