The Guardian reader's guide to breaking up a rave

AS a socially responsible Guardian reader, it’s your duty to prevent young people harming themselves at weekend raves. But how? Here are your questions answered.

What exactly is a ‘rave’?

It used to be getting high in a field with poor toilet facilities and a musical accompaniment, but now can mean anything from a slightly loud house party to an event attended by extremely hard drug dealers. Whatever the case, you must intervene.

What should I say to the young people? 

Get them onside with some hip street slang, eg. “Hello bro, glad you’re chillaxing to the max. I just want you to be aware that Covid remains a serious public health issue. So if you could, like, turn the music off, dude, that would be wicked.”

What if they refuse to shut down the party on my say-so? 

Then it’s the nuclear option. Go back to your house, look up graphs of Covid infection rates, take your laptop over and show them the devastating statistical evidence. You may be offered a can of lager and some crisps, which shows your message is getting through. 

What can I do to stop the spread of Covid at the rave?

In the case of a house party, go inside and pretend to socialise while subtly pushing people away from each other until they are correctly distanced at 1m or more. Also gradually turn the music down and explain you can have just as much fun making a really nice Nigel Slater recipe.

What if they turn violent?

Arm yourself with a pasta machine. No one wants to get their fingers caught in that, and London gangsters will think it’s a horrific torture device used by the Richardson Gang.

What if I can’t break up the rave myself? 

However socially responsible you are, you can’t win them all. Send an angsty email to Mariella Frostrup in the Observer. She will pretend to understand.

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Dominic Cummings' guide to breaking the new lockdown rules

ALRIGHT plebs, it’s Dominic Cummings here, the guy who single-handedly destroyed the public’s willingness to follow lockdown rules. Here’s my advice on how to get round the new guidelines.

Use your family as a human shield

You can get away with anything if you say you’re acting in the best interests of your family. Even something as ludicrous as driving them halfway across the country while you’re hacking up a deadly virus. That’s just good parenting.

Say you were testing your people-counting skills

We’ve all been cooped up indoors for so long we don’t know what large groups of people look like anymore. If the police try to slap a fine on you, tell them you organised a large gathering to check your numeracy skills. It worked with that eye test rubbish.

Spout meaningless phrases

When my feet were held to the fire over that Barnard castle nonsense I said I was behaving ‘reasonably and legally’ until everyone was exhausted by the whole thing. Show obvious contempt while you’re doing your ‘stuck record’ act – people’s rage will wear them out quicker.

Refuse to apologise

If you’re expected to say sorry in a rose garden or something, turn up half an hour late and idly recite a poorly conceived cover story, eg. “I only invited all those people over to find a cure for Covid. The booze and the music just made it look like a party.”  

Believe you’re just better than everyone else

If you slouch around in a ratty T-shirt and beanie and act like you’re untouchable then no one can lay a finger on you. It helps if you’ve got the prime minister of Great Britain in your pocket, but a clever ploy like that is why you are all nobodies and I am the Mekon.