Woman who calls puppy her 'baby' unsure why she doesn't have a boyfriend

A WOMAN who carries her puppy everywhere, along with poo bags, a special fluffy bed and dehydrated raw chicken snacks, is unsure why her first dates go no further.

Lauren Hewitt said: “I bring Poopsie everywhere. I call him Poopsie because he likes to poop on the duvet. He’s a naughty little boy but I love him unconditionally.

“I’ve noticed he seems to put people off on dates, which is odd. I have lots of varied topics of conversation, such as canine dental hygiene and how raw diets are what he needs for optimal nutrition.

“It’s not like I plaster my social media with photos. Poopsie’s got his own Instagram account with 500 followers already. It takes a bit of time maintaining all his connections, but he’s got doggie friends all over the world. He’s doing a Facebook Live event tomorrow.

“I don’t get why men laugh nervously when he does his mock-biting. It’s only because, as rivals for my affection, he instinctively wants to rip them to shreds. Honestly, a tiny bit of blood and suddenly they’ve all got plans later in the evening.

“Obviously I’m unemployed since the office said I couldn’t take him in permanently, but how could I leave him in the flat all day? Also I like talking to dog owners in the park. It’s such a lovely community. 

“For some reason lots of them seem to be single.”

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Five total f**king lunatics you'll find in every local Facebook group

WHETHER it’s the woman obsessed with dog crap or the bloke who manages to make comments about the bin collection racist, here are the weirdos who lurk in every group. 

Security camera Nazi

Due to the fact that there’s zero crime in the middle class village they live in, the security camera Nazi instead floods the local group with complaints about children standing suspiciously close to their car and the council not treating their recycling boxes with enough respect.

Flag freak

The flag freak will use any opportunity to cover every inch of their house and garden with Union Jacks whether it’s an occasion that makes sense, like a Royal Wedding, or one that doesn’t, like Christmas. He will then use the Facebook group to accuse everyone else in the area of ‘hating Britain’ for only sticking up a bit of tinsel.

Dog poo monitor

The dog poo monitor keeps a frighteningly close eye on all of the dog walkers in the local area, naming and shaming those who don’t pick up their poo and suggesting wildly out-of-proportion punishments, like shooting both dog and owner.

Bin collection fascist

If the bins aren’t collected at exactly the right time, the bin collection fascist sends furious messages accusing the bin men of being lazy and somehow brings race into it, even though they’re all white blokes. On the upside this lunatic sends heartfelt messages of congratulation to neighbours who take their bins in promptly when they’ve been emptied.

Handyman conspiracy theorist

Whether you want your cooker fixed or your house front painted, this unqualified bloke claims to be able to tackle any project. When not ham-fistedly rewiring your home, he is sharing Covid conspiracy theories on Facebook and accusing the neighbours of being ‘sheeple’.