Thursday, 29th October 2020

The hypochondriac's guide to convincing yourself you've got COVID-19

BIT of a headache? Slight cough? Friend of a friend back from France? You might be able to convince yourself you’ve got the coronavirus. 

Washing your hands a lot

Are you soaping your hands for as long as it takes to sing the first verse of any Ramones song? Applying hand sanitiser so frequently your fingers are like mummy’s claws? Do these preventative measures somehow mean you might have COVID-19? Then you might.

You met some people recently

Met some people? Could those people have met other people? And could those other people be from or have visited China, France, the US or Bolton? You’ve got it for sure.

Keep blowing your nose

When you came back from lunch, after walking through five minutes of freezing wind, you blew your nose three times then treated your bin like it was a plutonium container and the geiger counters are going crazy.

A dry cough

It’s irrelevant that you scored weed and have been smoking heavily all week. This cough is seriously dry. Everyone knows what that means.

You’re a bit hot

Sweating in fact. It’s not the cardigan, it’s not the radiator, it’s not that you’ve just eaten a bag of sweet chilli and red pepper crisps. You’re part of the pandemic.