Are you Priti Patel or Damien out of The Omen?

EVIL takes many forms, whether a child who is secretly the Antichrist or the MP for Witcham. Which are you? 

What happened to the last person who interfered with your plans?

A) Nothing suspicious, just attacked by a raven and then run over by a truck.
B) They abruptly decided to resign. I couldn’t get the raven trained so I deported it.

How do you deal with bullying in the workplace?

A) I’m proud to say that Hell has a fair and independent complaints procedure managed by our excellent HR demons.
B) Strange supernatural accidents happen to whistleblowers, such as the civil servant who was recently beaten to death by the lid of a photocopier.

Are you planning any team-building activities?

A) Before my legions amass to make the earth a cinder, we’re going for bowling and pizza to help us bond.
B) All my favourite civil servants and I are off for a game of ice hockey on a frozen lake for the eight hours until dawn.

What do you fear most?

A) Being assassinated by followers of the Nazarene with the sacred daggers of Megiddo. But pretty confident it won’t happen.
B) An employment tribunal for constructive dismissal.

Do you have any pets?

A) Yes, several large black dogs with eyes like burning coals I use to slay those who suspect my true evil nature.
B) Ditto.


Mostly As: You are Damien, evil incarnate and a living blasphemy against all that is decent and good. You are still more popular than Priti Patel.

Mostly Bs: You are Priti Patel. When you finally get the boot from the Home Office connect with the Horned One on LinkedIn.

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Man concerned to learn girlfriend has friends

A MAN in a new relationship was concerned to learn that his girlfriend has friends and an active social life. 

Tom Logan has been dating Jo Kramer for a month but has only just realised that her vague mentions of ‘friends’ are actually real people he is expected to meet.

He said: “Oh, what? Not again. This is exactly what happened with the last two.

“I want a girlfriend, not a whole bunch of other people to have to meet up and drink with and pretend to be interested in even though they clearly prefer Jo’s company to mine.

“Honestly I’ve no objection to her having them in theory but they’re getting in the way of us spending time together, like when I texted ‘U up?’ at 11pm on Monday and she was with her mate ‘Hayley’, whoever that is.

“I haven’t invited her to five-a-side with the lads, so why would she think I needed to know about all her personal life? What’s next?”

Logan added: “She’s said her brother’s coming over Saturday and we could go for a drink if I wanted. I’ve texted back ‘I think this is getting too complicated.’”