The seven things to panic-buy now before all the other bastards get there

ALL those other selfish, panicking bastards are going to strip the shelves of goods so get to the supermarket before they do. But what to buy? 


In Asia they’ve been panic-buying rice, but over here there’s no need because it can be delivered from takeaways. Fill your trolley with British food staple the potato instead; so versatile it can be eaten baked, mashed, roasted or raw.


You can’t waste valuable potatoes by turning them into chips, nor can you be arsed. So clear that freezer aisle of chips even if it means buying peri-peri or curly varieties you normally disapprove of. This is a global pandemic. Swallow your pride.


You can’t have enough batteries when civilisation ends so shovel them in, even if you’re not entirely sure what you’re going to use them for. If anyone else attempts to get batteries, punch them.

Toilet roll

Life without toilet roll isn’t worth contemplating, especially on your all-starch diet of potatoes and chips. Get at least 3,600 rolls and fill your garage with it. It’ll all get used whatever.


Self-isolating is all well and good, but a time may come when you need to load the family into the car and head for the Isle of Mull. Beat petrol rationing by filling at least six ten-gallon cans and store in the garage, by the toilet roll and any kindling.


Think streaming will still be happening when the coronavirus hits? Dream on. With the whole nation at home buffering won’t just be a terrible fear but a daily reality. Get a few box sets in and you’ll be laughing.

High-strength lager

Battling other desperate survivors in the ruins for the last remaining antibiotics? The winner, as in any street fight, will be the one who’s most lagered up. Get the tins in. He who is most leathered on Special Brew will rule the post-coronavirus world.

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New 'Oodles O'Scratchcards' scratchcard realistic about where winnings will go

A NEW scratchcard has dropped images of yachts and palm trees in favour of what winners will actually spend their money on. 

The ‘Oodles O’Scratchcards’ National Lottery scratchcard shows a cartoon winner holding a fan of fresh scratchcards on the £5 edition and lying blissfully on a bed of unmarked scratchcards on the £10.

Buyer Martin Bishop said: “I went to the shop to get my usual morning scratchie and, instead of all that nonsense about sports cars and fancy holidays, there was a new range that really spoke to me.

“I went for the £2 card, with a cartoon man winning £30 and immediately buying three tenner scratchies, and promised myself if I won then I’d do exactly the same.

“I didn’t win, but I’ll certainly be back later. Just imagine, more scratchcards than a man can hold in both hands. Now there’s a dream worth chasing.”

A spokesperson for the National Lottery said: “We’re fully aware that whatever’s won on these goes straight back to the newsagent. That’s why we’ve put all those lovely pictures of scratchcards on there.”

“It’s misleading to put a picture of a sportscar on a ten grand jackpot scratchcard anyway. We should have a picture of a 2015 Kia Sportage with 41,000 miles on the clock.”