The lazy bastard's guide to exercising at home

FEELING cooped up but still can’t be bothered to work out? Here’s how to exercise in a half-arsed way from your own home.

Watch fitness videos

Burn calories vicariously by watching people show you how to tone up on YouTube. Not only can you do this ‘activity’ whilst sitting down, you can kid yourself that it’s preparation for a regimen you will never start.

Make a cup of tea

This simple exercise will stretch your legs slightly as you trudge from the sofa to the kitchen. You’ll spend a couple of minutes on your feet while the water boils and work at least two muscles whilst squeezing the teabag. Then it’s time to hit the couch again, chief. You’ve earned it.

Increase your wanking quota

You’re probably already doing it loads anyway, but it’s time to up your game. The average round of self-abuse burns roughly six calories, so bash one out half a dozen times a day to exercise away a single crisp.

Grab a snack

By now you’ve probably worked up quite an appetite, so refuel the engines by stuffing a snack into your face. Digesting food burns calories, after all. Don’t feel guilty if you need to leave your home for some more biscuits; just think of all the steps you’re racking up.

Go to sleep

Rest is just as important as exertion when it comes to staying fit and healthy, so make time to sleep excessively. If you aren’t tired have a few drinks to will yourself into unconsciousness. It’s a great way to fast forward time until this is all over.

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Virtual drinks give man very real hangover

A MAN who drank with mates in a ‘virtual pub’ has woken up with a very real hangover.

Tom Booker, who downed lager with friends over Zoom to pass the time during the coronavirus lockdown, was baffled to emerge from his sleep with a splitting headache and the urge to vomit copiously.

Booker said: “Everything about the pub was virtual, which means not real. Virtual drinks, virtual pub, and even virtual connections with some of my virtual friends.

“So how come after drinking nine pints of Carlsberg whilst naked from the waist down, I have the overwhelming urge to crawl into my toilet and die?

“It’s as if I was actually just drinking an excessive amount of alcohol on my own in my flat, and the normal side effects of excess unit consumption still apply.

“Although, now I think about it the beers weren’t virtual, I bought them from the corner shop on my one trip outside. They were tangible and delicious, but now I never want to drink again, virtually or not.”

Booker later learned that he has been barred from the virtual pub for making inappropriate remarks to the virtual barmaid.