Friday, 4th December 2020

The six most middle-class ways of exercising

Boot camp in the park What could possibly be more middle-class than taking a communal area for the leisure of all and commandeering it for your personal use? And deliciously, everyone knows the man shouting orders at you is actually your employee and you could stop him any time you wanted.

Cycling Practical, A-to-B cycling is for poor people. Instead, ride a £10,000 bike around country lanes in a large group, holding up traffic for miles until you reach a village tea shoppe where you loudly say you’d buy the local vicarage if it wasn't for your 'bloody commute'.

Wild swimming Swimming pools, unless you own them, are municipal swamps thick with the detritus of pensioners and schoolchildren. Lakes and seas, by contrast, are pure, natural, and perfect for you and your clean-eating body which has regular glacier mud facials. Until you get Weil’s disease.

Underwater weightlifting Weights are a bit 'nightclub bouncer'. Aquafit is what your granny does on Wednesday morning. But lifting weights underwater is just idiotic enough to be plausible and none of your peer group will have done it first.

Going running with your kids A 5k is passé, but a 5k with your adorable children Clarence (‘Claa’) and Mabel (‘Belly’) in tow, keeping pace beautifully with you and your sweat-free partner? Family time and fitness time all in one? You’ll be the envy of the course, and imagine that photo-finish.

Outdoor spin class As pointless as purple carrots, as gratuitous as a Canada Goose coat, as wasteful as a Waitrose big shop. Be the first on your WhatsApp SchoolRunners! group to do it, or curse your missed chance forever.