The symptoms of being a selfish bastard, by chief medical officer Professor Chris Whitty

I’M PROFESSOR Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Office of the UK, and we are discovering that more and more Britons are terminally selfish bastards. 

Here’s how to identify whether you are one of those people and how you can treat it before it is too late for you and those around you.

Trolley-filling

If you’re visiting one of our increasingly silent and unnerving supermarkets and find yourself filling a trolley with more fresh produce, pasta and paracetamol than you are realistically able to consume, stop and slap yourself in the face.

Getting together with mates to get hammered

Check your behaviour every six hours. If you find yourself going to a houseparty to get drunk with friends or refusing to stop training for a cancelled marathon, then look in a mirror and tell yourself what a staggeringly selfish twat you are.

Trying to send your kids to school

If there are no key workers in your household and someone is able to care for your children, trying to send them to school anyway means you have an acute case of what doctors call inconsideratus illegitimi. We diagnose looking after your own kids, knobhead.

Taking your caravan to Wales

Driving your caravan to Wales or Scotland to avoid the coronavirus and quite possibly taking the virus with you is the ultimate selfish bastard move. Pull over near a concrete overpass and spend five to ten minutes banging your head into it before turning around and going home.

All of the above

If you attempt to do all of the above, I regret that your case is too far advanced for any preventative action to be effective. There is no vaccine or cure and never will be. You must self-isolate for the rest of your natural life.

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Mike Ashley offers to open Sports Direct but stop paying wages

MIKE Ashley has offered to open his Sports Direct stores to help public health but, as a compromise, will stop paying his staff. 

Ashley has insisted that the only way Britain can remain healthy is by regularly visiting his stores to buy Lonsdale hoodies, but conceded that due to economic uncertainty employee wages should be reduced by 100 per cent.

He continued: “We are performing a vital public service. And that can’t come without a certain measure of sacrifice.

“I understand why Gove has said we shouldn’t open. He’s a sensible man and fears the cost to the economy, which is more important than people.

“But like the NHS staff putting their health on the line, like the police working through the chaos, the staff in my shops are willing to do whatever it takes to sell you that cross-trainer. It’s not about money for them.

“If we can weather this storm until April the government can take over paying them. Until then be strong and until we open I exhort everyone to go online and buy themselves a Slazenger tennis racket.”

Ashley added: “Also, I would like Britain to start referring to me as the Sports Director. Everyone cool with that? Good.”