Friday, 10th July 2020

Britain wakes up to what the actual f**k

THE UK has woken up to what the f**k happened? We were all still doing normal stuff two weeks ago? Holy shit.  

The entire country has emerged into wakefulness, remembered last night’s announcement, and tried to comprehend the fact that they have been ordered by the prime minister to stay in their homes.

Nathan Muir of Ludlow said: “What? Even though I was expecting it, and I support it, and it’s probably the best thing to do, f**king what?

“I went to a gig two weeks ago. I was at the cinema the weekend before. I absolutely pissed myself when I saw some bird in Asda with a surgical mask on. Now this?”

Donna Sheridan, aged 29, agreed: “I’ve been making loads of jokes about never leaving the house again. But now I… can’t leave the house? Or the police will arrest me?

“That’s completely insane. Or it used to be. Now I actually think it’s a good idea. Again: what the f**king f**k?”