Queen already bored of kicking around the same old 1,000-room castle

THE Queen has admitted she is already bored wandering around the same old lavish 1820s state apartments again and again. 

Her Majesty has been in Windsor Castle since Thursday and says there is only so long you can look out at the extensive landscape of rolling parkland before you go mad.

She continued:“I feel like a prisoner. And they say I might have to be here for months.

“What’s in this room? Oh, it’s a Van Dyck painting. What’s in the next room? Another bloody Van Dyck painting. I mean come on.

“Philip’s no use – very much focused on the whole Chinese aspect to this pandemic, unsurprisingly – and the grand reception room might be 100ft long but it feels like it’s closing in on me.

“I could go out for a walk in the garden, but it’s only 23 acres. God I wish we’d gone to Balmoral while we had the chance, instead of being locked up in this box.

“Still, at least none of the family can visit.”

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Five ways to cope with video conferencing

ARE you loathing those keen bastards who insist on video conferencing when a simple phone call will do? Try these tips for getting out of it: 

Pretend it broke

As with all technology, this is the most obvious way to go. Turn off the camera, stick Blu-Tac over it or for added authenticity actually smash it with a delicate little hammer. Then no-one will see that you’re in pyjamas mouthing ‘f**k off’ whenever Paul from finance speaks.

Get a catchphrase

Maybe your colleagues have not yet realised we are living in strange and unprecedented times? Kill time by pointing this out at every opportunity. After all, these are strange times. Strange times. Very strange times. Hello there, who just joined? Oh, hi Martin. Strange times!

What’s that noise? 

You can hear distracting sounds on the call. Encourage everyone to search for the source. Perhaps it’s on someone’s phone, or laptop, or wireless, or they need to jiggle the plug, or there’s a dog scratching at the door. It’s definitely not you just making Dalek noises for a laugh.


Cough a bit then say you should leave the call because exact transmission methods haven’t been established yet, and you saw a dire warning on Facebook, allegedly from NASA, that said it can be transmitted via WiFi.


If all else fails, use the session to study everyone else’s living room and judge harshly. Is that mould on the wall above Becky’s wardrobe? Nathan’s only a brand analyst, how’s he got a bay window and cornicing? Is James really doing this from his home gym? Twat.