PINGING is Britain’s new craze, with the country going wild for getting an alert on the NHS app and having to self-isolate. But where’s the coolest place for it to happen?
In the club
Nightclubs open Monday, and there’s no cooler sound when you’re lighting up the dancefloor than the ping of Covid contact from your phone. ‘All back to mine for the next 10 days!’ you roar, to cheers.
On the beach
Our summer this year will be spent domestically, to the gentle sound of waves on the shore, cawing gulls and a chorus of pings from phones. Ensure you’ve not been buried up to the neck in the sand when everyone else gets theirs.
In the cinema
Has Black Widow just got a text? Nope, it’s you and by extension everyone watching the movie. You may as well stay for the post-credits scene now, you won’t be going anywhere else anytime soon.
In the bedroom
‘Did you..?’ ‘Have you just..?’ Yeah baby, you heard it. We just got pinged and now we’re locked in for a 10-day sex session. Brace yourself.
Everyone’s back in the office because the boss doesn’t trust you to work from home because you’ve only been doing it for 18 months. At 9.08am you get pinged, and pinball around the desks making sure to get within 2m of everyone, to their delight.
On a train
To celebrate once you receive your ping, ask fellow passengers to line each side of the carriage and run down it high-fiving everyone on board. No more f**king commuting for you.
While already self-isolating
Got pinged already? Get pinged again? You’ve just lengthened your period of blissful solitude at home. And if someone walks past your house with Covid on the 10th day and it gets picked up on your Bluetooth? Pinged again, and it still counts.