The top seven places to throw up

YOUR gorge is rising, you’re about to hurl – but where do you head? Check out our select seven superior spots to lose that mess: 

The garden
The fresh air hits your lungs, your chest convulses and you spew in an idyllic sylvan setting. What could be nicer? And no missing the bowl when there’s no bowl, unless you’ve got a birdbath. Does require some after-swilling.

The toilet
An absolute cold-porcelain classic, with or without optional fluorescent lighting, and the least likely to need cleaning. Though it will need cleaning, and that cleaning will be horrible, especially as cleaning toilets is an unpleasant job to begin with.

In public
Remember that time when you were sick on platform 11 of Manchester Piccadilly station? Or when you threw up in a bin in front of that bus queue? Or when you chucked down a spiral staircase in Amsterdam? What happened next? You walked off and it wasn’t your problem.

A bowl
Riding the Vomit Rooster long-term through illness? Treat housemates to the sight of you relaxedly retching into a bowl while watching Judge Rinder. Extra cool points if you’ve got a family and it’s the kids’ pink plastic sick bowl.

A corner
There’s something delightfully primal about eschewing all mod cons and niceties and just losing it in any random meeting of walls. Makes you realise maybe we’re not all so different, after all.

Kitchen sink
A robust, though problematic, choice. Ideally placed in terms of height, scrubbable, easy-to-rinse, but just too near to food preparation areas for any errors to be less than catastrophic. Epidemiologists recommend anywhere else.

Everywhere’s wipe-clean, and there’s wi-fi.

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Star Wars trailer heralds start of nerd mating season

THE mating season for nerds has begun early with the release of the new Star Wars trailer.

Nerd mating usually starts at the beginning of June at the Download Festival, but the new trailer has left them unable to contain their desires.

Star Wars fan and IT expert, Martin Bishop, said: “As soon as I saw it, I messaged the girl I’ve been talking to online for the last four months and said ‘Are these the droids you are looking for?’ and she knew exactly what I meant.’

Sci-fi fan Mary Fisher said: “I just had to message my husband and say ‘Meet me in the Dagobah System in 30 minutes’.

“And my boss at the IT company I work for just said ‘May the force be with you’ with a knowing wink and a smile’.

She added: “We’re going to call the baby ’Admiral Ackbar’.”