Saturday, 4th April 2020

The Wetherspoons customer's guide to surviving coronavirus

IT’S the ultimate nightmare scenario – your local Spoons being shut. Here regular Roy Hobbs explains what to do during the coronavirus crisis.

Remember it’s all bollocks

How do I know this? By using faultless Brexiter logic: viruses are tiny, even smaller than ants. And who’s scared of ants? No one, except crybaby Remainer snowflakes. Therefore coronavirus is bollocks. POINT PROVED.

Make your own protective clothing

If you’re still worried, make a protective mask as follows. Put a plastic bag over your head and create an airtight seal around your neck with several metres of duct tape. Ignore so-called ‘experts’ going on about ‘suffocating’. It’s just more Project Fear.

Find irrelevant examples of ‘false’ alarms 

Make light of the coronavirus with specious comparisons to events like BSE and the Y2K bug. Don’t concern yourself with more relevant examples such as Spanish Flu, which will be easy because your historical knowledge is limited to Yesterday channel’s Heroes of the Battle of Britain.

Blame the EU/foreigners in general 

Even if coronavirus is a minor problem for plucky Britain, how did it get here? We didn’t invent it, so the answer must be: foreigners, with their mucky habits such as making a big pot of pangolin and bat soup.

Practise not being in Wetherspoons 

It’s a gut-wrenching vision of purest nightmare, but your local might be closed by the namby-pamby authorities. Practise for this by spending some mornings and afternoons in your own home. Recreate the Spoons vibe by inviting 120 people over to drink Stella and Old Peculiar in your now unbearably packed kitchen.