The Wetherspoons customer's guide to surviving coronavirus

IT’S the ultimate nightmare scenario – your local Spoons being shut. Here regular Roy Hobbs explains what to do during the coronavirus crisis.

Remember it’s all bollocks

How do I know this? By using faultless Brexiter logic: viruses are tiny, even smaller than ants. And who’s scared of ants? No one, except crybaby Remainer snowflakes. Therefore coronavirus is bollocks. POINT PROVED.

Make your own protective clothing

If you’re still worried, make a protective mask as follows. Put a plastic bag over your head and create an airtight seal around your neck with several metres of duct tape. Ignore so-called ‘experts’ going on about ‘suffocating’. It’s just more Project Fear.

Find irrelevant examples of ‘false’ alarms 

Make light of the coronavirus with specious comparisons to events like BSE and the Y2K bug. Don’t concern yourself with more relevant examples such as Spanish Flu, which will be easy because your historical knowledge is limited to Yesterday channel’s Heroes of the Battle of Britain.

Blame the EU/foreigners in general 

Even if coronavirus is a minor problem for plucky Britain, how did it get here? We didn’t invent it, so the answer must be: foreigners, with their mucky habits such as making a big pot of pangolin and bat soup.

Practise not being in Wetherspoons 

It’s a gut-wrenching vision of purest nightmare, but your local might be closed by the namby-pamby authorities. Practise for this by spending some mornings and afternoons in your own home. Recreate the Spoons vibe by inviting 120 people over to drink Stella and Old Peculiar in your now unbearably packed kitchen.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Parent stuck in trance after reading The Gruffalo 300 times

A FATHER who has read The Gruffalo every night for almost a year is now trapped in a trance with a thousand-yard stare.

As Tom Logan began his regular nighttime reading routine, son Jack became alarmed by his father’s glazed expression and complete mental unravelling.

Logan’s wife Sarah said: “By the time I got to Tom he was mumbling ‘scrambled snake’ over and over, almost as if the book had actually scrambled his brain.

“Jack won’t sleep without hearing the book but I had to stop reading it to him because I was getting stress eczema from repetitive reading strain.

“I called 999 but they’re busy with coronavirus. I’m really hoping Tom comes out of the trance safely because it’s my turn for a lie-in tomorrow.”  

“We were supposed to go to Chessington World of Adventures for the Gruffalo River Ride, but I guess that’s off now he’s trapped inside his own mind. Although, thank Christ, in a way.”

Son Jack said: “We tried audio books but it’s not the same. You don’t get that tortured expression you get from a real parent.”