Think of back-to-school as a big science experiment, government tells parents

THE government has told worried parents to think of their children returning to a possibly deadly school environment as an exciting science project.

Ministers believe that putting children and teachers in buildings full of Covid-19 where it is impossible to socially distance properly is a great opportunity to learn about viruses.

Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “Maybe they’ll all be fine. Or maybe they’ll be dropping like flies within a fortnight. Who knows? That’s the joy of hands-on learning.

“This real-life biology experiment is so much better than poring over dusty old textbooks. It will give millions of children a lifelong love of science if they’re still alive.

“We’ve not forgotten about teachers, who’ll be part of this thrilling exercise too. Even the most jaded old science teacher will be able to make learning come to life with their new dry cough and suddenly being taken away in an ambulance.”

Adult members of the public will also be able to join in the experiment, by finding out what happens when millions of people crowd back onto public transport and into poorly ventilated offices. 

Williamson added: “I’d love to take part and work in a crowded office myself but unfortunately I’m considered too important so I’m working from home. Just my rotten luck.”

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The middle class guide to sex caves

FORGET about the loft conversion – sex caves are the new must-have middle-class interior space. Here’s how to make sure yours is better than everyone else’s:

● Did your vast ground floor extension leave you with an extra room? Billy bookshelves and Ikea bean bags are so 2019, so instead furnish it with wall shackles and a cat o’nine tails. Perfect for kinky gratification – and handily close to the open plan kitchen for olives and breadsticks afterwards.

● Make sure you have superior fittings and fixtures to reference nonchalantly during sex sessions. Practise casually saying “Oh, this gimp mask? I saw it in Homes & Gardens magazine” or “The spanking paddle is Stella McCartney – it’s vegan-friendly plastic, you know”.

● Get expert interiors inspiration on Pinterest. There’s nothing more distracting from a hardcore bondage session than looking at walls painted Hague Blue when you should have used Farrow and Ball ‘Railings’. Or simply type the words ‘sex cave’ into Google for reams of delightful visual inspiration. Maybe don’t do it on your work laptop.

● If you want more space, put your sex cave in a ‘garden room’ outside. Hey presto – a versatile new outbuilding ideal for working, storage or inserting butt plugs while dressed as a Nazi. Alternatively go down the London billionaire route and excavate the basement. Swimming pools and cinemas are so last year, so kit it out for weird ‘furry’ sex orgies.

● Don’t forget that every middle-class dungeon needs safe words. Why not write them up on the delightful rustic slate chalkboard that you had in the old kitchen?