Wednesday, 30th September 2020

Think of back-to-school as a big science experiment, government tells parents

THE government has told worried parents to think of their children returning to a possibly deadly school environment as an exciting science project.

Ministers believe that putting children and teachers in buildings full of Covid-19 where it is impossible to socially distance properly is a great opportunity to learn about viruses.

Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “Maybe they’ll all be fine. Or maybe they’ll be dropping like flies within a fortnight. Who knows? That’s the joy of hands-on learning.

“This real-life biology experiment is so much better than poring over dusty old textbooks. It will give millions of children a lifelong love of science if they’re still alive.

“We’ve not forgotten about teachers, who’ll be part of this thrilling exercise too. Even the most jaded old science teacher will be able to make learning come to life with their new dry cough and suddenly being taken away in an ambulance.”

Adult members of the public will also be able to join in the experiment, by finding out what happens when millions of people crowd back onto public transport and into poorly ventilated offices. 

Williamson added: “I’d love to take part and work in a crowded office myself but unfortunately I’m considered too important so I’m working from home. Just my rotten luck.”