Time much less expensive way to heal all wounds than NHS, says Hunt

JEREMY Hunt has announced that the national health service is to be replaced by time, which heals all wounds at no cost to the taxpayer. 

The health minister’s new scheme to beat the NHS crisis is being trialled in Northern constituencies and early projections suggest it will save the government billions.

He said: “You don’t need disinfectant, sterile gauze, a qualified nursing team and an expensive consultant. All you need is time.

“This traditional common-sense approach, relied on for Britons for the centuries before we joined the EU, will soon replace our malfunctioning NHS entirely. Though of course private healthcare will still be available.

“After all, not only does time heal all wounds, time is also a great healer. We’ve been foolish to try and compete.”

Dr Helen Archer, who works in a Birmingham A&E department, said: “Certainly it is true that after a 12 to 18 hour wait, up to 40 per cent of patients no longer require medical attention.

“However, there is a downside.”

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Gran's 'wise' advice actually total bollocks

A GRANDMOTHER’S advice on everything from cooking to men is complete bollocks, it has emerged.

88-year-old Mary Fisher is regularly assumed to have extensive experience-based wisdom but has actually just led a boring life for a very long period of time.

Granddaughter Katy Fisher said: “Due to gran’s age and kindly appearance I’d always thought advice like soaking your socks in vinegar before washing them was not complete arse.

“However I started the ‘wisdom’ that was ‘passed down’ from her mum is total drivel. For example, there’s no way sucking on a thimble can cure a migraine.

“She also told me to always agree with men because they’re intimidated by intelligent women. That cost me a relationship with a lovely, interesting guy who thought I was just very stupid.

“And recently I discovered steak is much nicer fried or grilled than boiled in brine for three hours.”

However Mary Fisher said: “When you put your washing out you should always tie a knot in your jumpers to stop badgers wearing them. Badgers are notorious jumper thieves.”