JEREMY Hunt has announced that the national health service is to be replaced by time, which heals all wounds at no cost to the taxpayer.
The health minister’s new scheme to beat the NHS crisis is being trialled in Northern constituencies and early projections suggest it will save the government billions.
He said: “You don’t need disinfectant, sterile gauze, a qualified nursing team and an expensive consultant. All you need is time.
“This traditional common-sense approach, relied on for Britons for the centuries before we joined the EU, will soon replace our malfunctioning NHS entirely. Though of course private healthcare will still be available.
“After all, not only does time heal all wounds, time is also a great healer. We’ve been foolish to try and compete.”
Dr Helen Archer, who works in a Birmingham A&E department, said: “Certainly it is true that after a 12 to 18 hour wait, up to 40 per cent of patients no longer require medical attention.
“However, there is a downside.”