I was up a f**king cross, not drinking prosecco from Waitrose, says Jesus

JESUS has reminded everyone that his Easter was more about getting crucified than enjoying chocolatey treats.

While fully in favour of Easter, Jesus believes supermarket alcohol offers and chocolate eggs do not reflect his lived experience of being whipped, scourged and nailed up.

He continued: “I’m not out to harsh anyone’s buzz. I just feel my sacrifice can’t be justly honoured by a chocolate rabbit.

“Sure, an egg hunt in the Garden of Gethsemane would’ve been fun, but I was too busy begging my Almighty Father not to let me die. Which he, you know, refused.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have died for mankind’s sins. I’m just annoyed I didn’t get any luxury hot cross buns with orange zesty bits when I was stuck in that tomb for ages.

“All I’m saying is there’s more to Easter than 85 per cent cocoa solids. From my perspective.”