Friday, 7th May 2021

Today's random restrictions, by region

THE government will today announce a new set of regional Covid restrictions, all of which are different and none of which are comprehensible. Here they are: 

North London: Pubs to open on odd-numbered hours only to discourage all-day drinking. Conversely, restaurants will open on even-numbered hours only. Wetherspoons counts as both. 

East Ayrshire: Masks to be worn indoors at all times unless drinking or eating, and hats to be worn at all times when drinking or eating. One-way system instigated in The Harbour Bar, Troon, ONLY. 

Warwickshire: Families allowed to meet each other indoors as long as they are blood relatives. In-laws must stand in the garden and wave. Conversation about cars permitted. 

Powys: Evacuation of Powys and mid-Wales begins at 2am tomorrow and must be completed by 6am. Anyone remaining in the area after that point will be fined. 

Barsetshire: Households may mix in groups of six and six only. If there are five or fewer people, mixing will be punishable by tarring, feathering and banishment. 

Bolton: Lockdown is now permanent. 

Luton: Everyone to be given a medal. 

County Fermanagh: Hairdressers and nail bars closed from Friday but live music performances indoors are authorised as long as there are 7,500 or more attendees and the band is Def Leppard.

Rutland: All restrictions waived to encourage tourism to region. Grouse shooting from quad bikes subsidised at £140 per person, per day. 

Isle of Wight: Rule of six continues to apply. 10pm curfew continues to apply. Media blackout on Dominic Cummings’ Covid app gaining sentience and taking over local government and police force continues to apply.