Toddlers become spherical for winter

TODDLERS have expanded into their spherical outdoor forms for the winter months. 

Children aged two to four, who usually resemble humans on a smaller scale, protect themselves from harm in winter by becoming perfectly round and rollable.

Paediatrician Dr Carolyn Ryan said: “It’s a protection mechanism which both insulates them from the cold and prevents any injuries from slipping on ice.

“Their stubby legs still protrude from the bottom so they can waddle along and their hands can still just about clutch a plastic dinosaur, but otherwise they’re perfect spheres until the onset of spring.”

Father-of-two Martin Bishop said: “It’s one of those little things nobody tells you about being a parent but which seems completely obvious once you are.

“And it’s a massive timesaver on the nursery run because instead of trudging you can just bowl them along at quite a pace.

“Shit, I didn’t notice the hill.”

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It is possible, says woman who survived four-year relationship with twat

A WOMAN who survived four years with a knobhead has given hope to humanity.

27-year-old Mary Fisher went out with a dick called Paul for the length of a presidential term.

Fisher said: “To be honest, the four years went by just like that. It’s scary, really. Where does the time go?

“I was continually thinking about dumping him but you know how it is, he’d do something dickish like selling my bike at Cash Converters to go out on the piss, then be massively apologetic so that I’d take pity on him.

“Looking back I have no idea what I was playing at, which I imagine might become a familiar sensation to quite a few Americans. Anyway it’s over now, and it could be over for you in November.”

She added: “I definitely wouldn’t go out with him for another four years though. I need to make that very clear. No way.”