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Too posh to push? Fewer men than ever passing kidney stones naturally

FOR the first time, more men are electing for a procedure to dissolve kidney stones rather than naturally pushing the large, misshapen crystals out through their urethra.

Annual figures collected by the Institute for Studies have uncovered that weak, pathetic men are opting for medical intervention rather than the time-honoured methods preferred by older, less cowardly generations.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We’re seeing a worrying increase in the number of males who would prefer to take the easy route.

“Men seem to want to avoid pain and inconvenience for what should be a life-changing event, with all the NHS shaming around taking medication and the promotion of passing kidney stones as a mystical, spiritual occasion ignored.”

Mary Fisher, who has never had a kidney stone, nonetheless shared her strong opinion: “Men just aren’t as brave as they used to be. And selfishly, when they’re considering options for their medical care they aren’t thinking about the NHS’s costs.

“I’ve heard it doesn’t even hurt that much, so long as you’re not obese or morally corrupt. The fact is nature would never give you a kidney stone that you can’t pass.

“My granddad pushed out six kidney stones at home with with no pain relief whatsoever so I don’t see why modern men can’t do the same.”

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How to stop yourself sobering up between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve

THERE’S a whole week between the year’s two biggest piss-ups. If you want to keep the party going while you wait, stay half-cut with this guide: 

Establish a support network

It’s unreasonable to expect you to do this by yourself. If you want to stay shitfaced for six days straight, you’re going to need a network of close friends and relatives to supportively place another drink into your trembling hands. Don’t feel like a burden though – you’ll be repaying the favour by grabbing them a bottle whenever you stumble uncertainly to the fridge.

Indulge your triggers

People trying to achieve a life of sobriety avoid anything that will set off their vice. Since you’re taking the opposite approach, constantly expose yourself to temptation. Anything from lingering in the cheerful atmosphere of a pub to putting yourself in stressful situations where you desperately need alcohol to calm your nerves will work. Perhaps visit the roughest local hostelry wearing a ‘MORE IMMIGRATION NOW!’ T-shirt? As long as you struggle to form barely coherent sentences, you’re doing it right.

Pace yourself

This is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re trying to find the sweet spot where you’re more than tipsy but not quite paralytic. Going too soft will bring the crushing mundanity of the festive dead zone into harsh relief, whereas drinking too much could send you spiralling into an ill-timed hangover on New Year’s Eve. Don’t waste all of December 31st hunched miserably over a toilet puking your guts up. That’s what January 1st is for.

Eat the bare minimum

Seasoned pissheads already know that eating’s cheating, but it’s especially important to remember this disclaimer at Christmas. With so many slices of cured meat and Pringles tubes to hand, it’s all too easy to inadvertently graze your way to clearheadedness. If you must eat more than the bare minimum needed to keep you alive, opt for chocolate liqueurs to keep your blood alcohol level up.

Ignore your limits

Over the course of the week your body is going to try to tell you to stop knocking back booze and drink a healthy glass of water instead. At times like these you’ll need to tap reserves of physical and mental determination. By ignoring the limits of what your liver, bowels and brain cells can tolerate, you’ll reach new plateaus of intoxicated merriment. Have you got a drink problem? No, you’re powering through the infamous wall!

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