Sunday, 27th September 2020

Track-and-trace team finally gets in touch with Boris Johnson

THE UK’s world-beating track-and-trace team has contacted Boris Johnson to inform him that he tested positive for coronavirus in March.

The team advised the prime minister that he should self-isolate for seven days five months ago, that he may be asymptomatic and not even know he has the disease, and asked for names, addresses and phone numbers of everyone he has met since then.

Johnson said: “This goes to show what a first-rate system we have in place because as it happens, it’s 100 per cent correct, I did have coronavirus.

“It’s competence like this which has ensured we have kept deaths well below the 500,000 mark, unlike some other nations which I, er, shall not embarrass by naming.

“I have promptly supplied with the names of everyone I was in a room with in March and April and received an automated response advising me the team has a backlog and hopes to process my information within 90 to 180 days, which I found very reassuring.

“So this is positive proof that the system works, Britain is back on track and we are perfectly safe to re-open our economy, schools, pubs and international conference centres.

“If anyone wants a test, book now and you’re guaranteed to get your results by mid-December. Be rotten to have your Christmas ruined by something like this hanging over you.”