Track-and-trace team finally gets in touch with Boris Johnson

THE UK’s world-beating track-and-trace team has contacted Boris Johnson to inform him that he tested positive for coronavirus in March.

The team advised the prime minister that he should self-isolate for seven days five months ago, that he may be asymptomatic and not even know he has the disease, and asked for names, addresses and phone numbers of everyone he has met since then.

Johnson said: “This goes to show what a first-rate system we have in place because as it happens, it’s 100 per cent correct, I did have coronavirus.

“It’s competence like this which has ensured we have kept deaths well below the 500,000 mark, unlike some other nations which I, er, shall not embarrass by naming.

“I have promptly supplied with the names of everyone I was in a room with in March and April and received an automated response advising me the team has a backlog and hopes to process my information within 90 to 180 days, which I found very reassuring.

“So this is positive proof that the system works, Britain is back on track and we are perfectly safe to re-open our economy, schools, pubs and international conference centres.

“If anyone wants a test, book now and you’re guaranteed to get your results by mid-December. Be rotten to have your Christmas ruined by something like this hanging over you.”

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How to blame Nicola Sturgeon for everything: a Brexiter explains

IT isn’t always the EU’s fault. Sometimes it’s Scotland, and in particular that ‘wee hag’ Nicola Sturgeon. Roy Hobbs explains why the SNP leader is destroying Britain: 

She’s preventing our wonderful Brexit

Idiots say Brexit is taking ages because it’s a stupid, flawed idea with no plan. No. It’s Sturgeon criticising it all the time. She’s jinxing Brexit with her Celtic magic, and we should send the army to Holyrood and burn the ginger witch.

She started coronavirus

There’s admittedly no evidence for this but Sturgeon hates England, so she probably infected suicide squads of drunk Glaswegians with Covid and sent them south on National Express. Just to discredit poor Boris.

She steals our money

Sturgeon – and the whole Scotch nation – love being subsidised by England, which is wealthier because we’re more advanced. Every £10 we earn through good honest graft sends a fiver to the Scotties, who blow it on McEwan’s Export and krill for the Loch Ness Monster.

She sends Scottish weather south

Wondering why we’re having such a gloomy summer? Sturgeon’s found a way to direct the depressing Scottish weather into England and Wales. I’d imagine she has some sort of weather machine. I know these exist because I saw one in a Kate Bush video.

She’s always trying to make England look bad

Sturgeon is so eager to prove Scotland is better than England she keeps taking decisive, sensible action over coronavirus to protect the population. What a cynical, devious, Caledonian cow.

She looks like wee Jimmy Krankie

Some might say this is a juvenile and inappropriate insult to direct at a serious female politician. But she looks like wee Jimmy Krankie! SHE LOOKS LIKE WEE JIMMY KRANKIE! WEE JIMMY KRANKIE! What do you mean, you don’t know who Jimmy Krankie is? What’s wrong with you?