London must return to being a living hell or our economy is doomed

by Professor of Economics, Denys Finch Hatton

CRAMMED tube trains. Five-hour daily commutes. Soaring house prices. Jobs that barely pay a living wage. If London cannot return to this, the UK is doomed. 

Our country has bravely faced the threat of the coronavirus. But now, we must face something far more terrible: a return to ordinary life in the capital exactly as it was before the plague. 

For many Londoners, the last six months have been a reprieve. They have worked from home. They may have dreamed of escaping to somewhere less infernal and full of hatred. They cannot be allowed to.

Because if London is not absolutely stuffed with miserable, broken people attempting to eke some kind of joy out of their dead-end lives, the whole of Britain will suffer. 

Remember those nightclubs you used to cram into, to snort coke from a toilet seat? The trainer drops you’d queue overnight for? The dilapidated Victorian houses shared by six desperate professionals with real careers? They are the backbone of our whole economy.  

Without this engine of wretchedness driving the nation, we will all struggle. We’re so interconnected that all it takes is one brand legacy manager screaming ‘I can’t take this anymore!’ and six blameless people in Aberdeen lose their jobs. 

So go back to your rented flats, your Tube trains, your cool Shoreditch bars and your Secret Cinema. And know that you suffer not for yourself, but for your country. We still hate you though. 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Woman whose work emails full of exclamation marks as dreadful as you'd expect

A WOMAN who liberally peppers her work emails with exclamation marks is just as powerfully irritating in real life, colleagues.

Administration manager Lauren Hewitt believes that updating to the latest version of Excel deserves no less than three consecutive exclamation marks in the subject line of an email, and is also just like that in person.

Colleague Sophie Rodriguez said: “Initially I gave her the benefit of the doubt, as she joined us just before lockdown and I’m trying not to immediately assume everyone’s a total moron before I meet them.

“However, since coming back into the office I can confirm she’s the type of person who has a ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ coaster to put her Hello Kitty mug on and claps her hands with excitement several times if someone’s going to Starbucks.

“How can someone who writes ‘Christmas Do Anyone!!?!!’ expect any respect?

“She deserves exactly as much contempt in real life as she does electronically. The exclamation marks were the only proof anyone needed. I should never have doubted myself.”

Later that day Hewitt sent an email to HR titled ‘Workplace bullying issue!’ beginning ‘Hi guys!! This girl Sophie’s really picking on me!!!’ which was rightfully ignored.