Try Not To Eat Liquid Cobalt, Say Nutritionists

EXPERTS last night removed eggs from the list of proscribed foodstuffs but added a series of new mouth-based dangers including deep-fried bees, iron filings and industrial-grade liquid cobalt.

According to a report from the Institute for Studies, eaters should avoid, 'anything dubbed a "local delicacy" and, oh I dunno, carrots?'.

Institute director Henry Brubaker said: "We do have a tendancy to flipflop on eggs. Some days we're all 'Ooh, eggs, you're so cool' and the next we're deleting them from our Facebook friends.

"To be honest, we don't actually know what's in an egg. For all we know it's a bomb."

The Institute has been criticised for refuting the link between cholesterol levels and eggs with critics claiming the report was commissioned by the CIA-front organisation, the British Egg Trust.

But Brubaker dismissed the allegations, adding: "Believe it or not, high cholesterol is more closely linked to pumping fat into your gut all day long and having the activity levels of a paralysed darts player.

"Eggs actually reduce cholesterol and give you firm, unyeilding, round-the-clock erections. Or they're instantly fatal. It's definitely one of the two."

The Institute has also set up a text messaging service to keep eaters constantly updated on safe food. Messages this week include: 'For Christ's sake, no cheese strings!', 'Oooh, peaches', 'More oatiness!' and 'Forget all that stuff about cheese strings, they're absolutely fine'.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Sunny Delight Loses Taste Test To Indian Cow Piss Drink

SUNNY Delight, the orange substance, has been defeated in a blind tasting against a new Indian soft drink made from cow urine.

Researchers asked 30 children to test Sunny Delight against the Indian cow piss and a cup of  ground pubes, earwax and horse vomit.

The vitamin-packed treat was then rated against a pint of liquid faeces, a cocktail of cheese juice and sweat drippings from John McCririck's scrotum and a glass of hot water strained through Carol Vorderman's pant-gusset.

'Sunny D', launched in the UK in 1998, was first developed by the CIA to destroy huge swathes of vegetation in South East Asia. It is now produced in a disused zinc mine on the outskirts of Gdansk.

Research chief Tom Logan said: "It was fairly full on to start with. There was a lot of crying and shouting and an awful lot of vomiting, but then we moved on from the Sunny Delight."

Distressed child Emily Bishop, 12, said: "If I drink all the sick, the poo and the sweaty pants, can I just leave the orange one and go home to my mummy?"

Kyle Stephenson, 14, also placed Sunny D at the bottom of his list.

"The faeces was disgusting, but at least it came back up on its own. With the Sunny Delight I had to reach down my own throat and scoop it out with my hands."

He added: "I have to say, the one from Mrs Vorderman's pants was curiously invigorating with a lemony aftertaste. She should bottle it."