Try Not To Vomit On Each Other, Say Docs

OFFICE workers can halt the spread of the winter vomiting virus by not vomiting on each other, doctors said last night.

NHS Direct issued urgent advice amid predictions there was going to be loads and loads of sick everywhere.

Dr Tom Logan, chairman of the department of health's vomit committee, said: "The quickest way for this virus to spread is for you to go into work while you're infected and start puking all over everyone's desks.

"The chances are you'll also have chucked-up over all the people on the bus and have left little puddles of sick between the bus stop and the office."

Dr Logan added: "I know you really want to come into work while you're being turned inside out, but the fact is you're not helping. Indeed, I would go so far as to say you are vomit's accomplice.

"So the key thing we have to remember here is: Don't keep vomiting over everybody.

"Instead, stay at home, watch telly, drink plenty of luke warm yoghurt and direct your jet of sick into a basin."

How to tell if you have the winter vomiting virus – a four point guide from The Daily Mash:

1. Are you vomiting?
2. Are you still vomiting?
3. Are you thinking that you're never going to stop vomiting?
4. Are you now wallowing in a terrifyingly huge amount of vomit?

You have the winter vomiting virus. Well done.

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Everything Now A Huge Lie

EVERYTHING you have ever been told is a colossal lie and the global economy is a $100 trillion fraud, it was confirmed last night.

Experts said everyone you come into contact with is trying to con you, but stressed you’re one to talk because you’re trying to con everyone else.

And they warned the lying would continue indefinitely as nobody would be able to stop lying because everyone would just assume that was a lie and so they may as well just keep on lying.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Essentially our entire socio-economic system is what we call a ‘pyramid scheme’, also known as a ‘Poncey scheme’ or a ‘bunch of ponces’.

“All types of credit and investments are, of course, based on utter lies. Meanwhile everything you buy in the shops is worth about one tenth what you paid for it and bears no relation to the advert, which was obviously a lie from start to finish.

“All the major professions are lying to you constantly, your friends despise you, there was no Jesus, there is no global warming and there was no moon landing. But it wasn’t faked either, work that one out.

“And you’re at it too. Last Thursday you claimed to have a ‘stomach bug’. Bollocks. Shut up, yes it was.

“And even when you’re at work you do as little as possible and spend the rest of your day concocting a series of elaborate excuses, before going to the pub and lying your face off. But it’s okay, because so does absolutely everyone else.”

He added: “And now you’re thinking that all of this is a lie. Well I can assure it isn’t. Or is it? Or isn’t it? Or is it?”