Use Coma Patients As Draught Excluders, Says Minister

COMA patients should not be signed off sick as they can perform light tasks such as draught exclusion, the health minister Alan Johnson has announced.

People in a persistent vegetative state could work as speed bumps or be left outside hospital entrances with their trousers and underpants removed to operate as bicycle racks.

Mr Johnson said: "Coma patients make good hat-stands. They can be left outside pubs with ashtrays in their hands. They can advertise golf sales."

The minister stressed that patients who were too ill to leave the hospital could still do useful work if covered in dusters and pulled around the corridors by relatives for a few hours each day.

He added: "My father lost both his arms and both his legs in an industrial accident.

"But did he sit around drinking super lager and watching Stargate SG-1? No, he curled himself up into a ball and rolled out into the streets to look for work."

Dr Julian Cook, a GP from Leicester, said doctors often had to make difficult judgments when offered a bottle of whisky by their patients.

He said: "A good single malt, such as Talisker or Lagavulin, is a passport to a life of incapacity benefit and golf – but what should one make of a third-rate blend from Asda?"

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Housewives Demand £20 An Hour For Eating Jaffa Cakes And Watching 'Trisha'

BRITAIN’S housewives would earn the equivalent of £30,000 a year if someone paid them to eat Jaffa Cakes all day, according to new research.

The study found housewives work for nine hours a day, including an hour of Trisha, an hour of Law and Order and two Will and Grace double-bills.

Although Jaffa Cakes often overlap with other household tasks, including phone calls and magazines, an increasing number of women are now forced to set aside at least two hours a day as ‘Jaffa Cake time’.

Dr Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said: “A professional Jaffa Cake eater is £20 an hour, easy.

“Then there’s the £30 an hour you’d have to pay a nutritionist to sit around all afternoon with her bloated friends, drinking tea and comparing live yoghurts.

“And I certainly would not want to have to pay a head chef  to drive to the retail park three times a week and pick up a large cardboard bucket filled with deep-fried chicken parts.”

Dr Brubaker said the study did not included a figure for childcare, adding: “Why else would they be there?”

Tom Logan, a 42 year-old engineer from Bath, said: “If you want to pay thirty grand a year for my wife’s cooking, be my fucking guest.”