'What did lockdowns really achieve besides saving lives?' asks Johnson

BORIS Johnson has asked the Covid inquiry to explain what the benefit was of a precaution that stopped people dying.

The former prime minister admitted during his public grilling that he still cannot see the value of lockdowns because all they did was protect the public from a deadly virus that was incurable at the time.

Johnson said: “Chris Whitty tried to get this through my head dozens of times with glove puppets but I still don’t get it. Staying at home plus time equals more alive people… yeah, okay, but so what?

“If Covid didn’t finish off the vulnerable or the elderly then something else would have. Do we know how many of them died from sitting on their arses watching Tiger King? You should investigate that next.

“All I’m saying is let’s look at the bigger picture. The economy took a hit, freshers were deprived of misguided hookups, and everyone went a bit insane. Was that really worth the price of a few tens of thousands of lives? I’m not convinced it was.

“And if I can look like a brave anti-lockdown hero to the Telegraph and anti-vax nutters by shamelessly lying about established facts, that’s all in a day’s work for me.”

He added: “I suppose people do like it when they and their loved ones are alive… no, sorry, thought I was onto something there but it got away from me.”

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Six other things that are now safe because I signed a treaty, by James Cleverly

RWANDA is now perfectly safe for migrants because I, James Cleverly, signed something saying so. And, drunk with power, I also declare these activities safe forever:

Base jumping

Throwing yourself off a Dubai skyscraper, with a window of seconds to open your parachute, where any unexpected variable could lead to you crashing down to a gruesome death? Safe now. I signed a thing. I’m doing one next Tuesday in a wingsuit, which the experts said was suicide until they saw my piece of paper. Then they went quiet.


Shoot ’em if you got ’em, smackheads, because your opiate-derived drug of choice is now safe as f**k. And I’m not just talking end user. The entire supply chain, from the poppy fields of Laos to the smugglers bringing it in, is now completely free of risk because of a visionary new paper I signed saying so. I’m jacking up right now. Why not?

Top Gear

Time to switch into reverse, BBC, because Top Gear is now absolutely, incontrovertibly safe. All crashes will see a much-loved TV presenter stagger away unharmed with a thumbs-up to camera, even if it’s a 1998 Ford Fiesta driven seatbelt-free out of a Shard penthouse. My apologies to Freddie Flintoff. I honestly didn’t realise I could do this.

Crossing the channel in a small boat

We Tories have nothing against migrants but hate to see them forced into dangerous trafficking, which is why we came up with the whole Rwanda idea to put them off. But it’s occurred to me I can just cut out the middleman and make the small boats safe! It’s brilliant. No, wait, I’m being told very firmly not to do this. Forget this one.

Every marginal seat

From my own seat of Braintree to the Red Wall, every single marginal seat held by a Tory is now a safe seat. Re-election is guaranteed. You don’t even have to campaign, just turn up on election night to enjoy the win. I am going to be bought a shit-ton of drinks in the Tea Room tonight.

Leaving the TV plug turned on overnight

I won’t lie, I’m running out of things to make safe. My mum always told me you should turn off the plug that the telly’s on overnight or it might burst into flames and burn the house down. Well now it won’t. Not that I ever actually did it anyway. Man, the world’s so boring now I’ve made it all safe. It’s tough being a god.