What to wipe your a*se with during the toilet paper crisis

HAS the coronavirus made everyone freak out and stockpile all the toilet paper from your local Asda? Here’s what to use instead.


Probably not the first time you’ve considered rubbing a tabloid between your butt crack, but now you’ve got the perfect opportunity to test the absorbency of the gutter press. Careful the ink doesn’t transfer to your a*se cheeks though.

Your hands

Admittedly not an ideal solution, and if you’ve run out of hand sanitiser you’re in real trouble. However it should stop you from touching your face so you might avoid getting infected.


The average library book should get you through dozens of your filthy morning ablutions, or you can minimise the impact on your local services by tearing pages out of something massive that you already own, like Infinite Jest. You were never going to read it anyway, you pretentious tw*t.

Energy bills

EDF has been shitting on you for months so wreak petty vengeance by cleaning yourself with their latest debit statement. Sadly, this won’t stop them from pestering you about installing a smart meter though.

Bathroom towels

Not only are they soft, absorbant and within arm’s reach of the porcelain throne, but you can chuck them in the wash so they’ll be ready to fight another day. The upside is they’re less wasteful, the downside is that you’re now officially a dirty b*stard.

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Woman washing hands 60 times a day driving filthy shit tip of a car

A WOMAN who is constantly washing her hands due to the coronavirus is still driving around in a disgusting shit tip of a car.

Donna Sheridan spends at least two hours a day wiping surfaces, keyboards, mobile phones and door handles yet has not cleaned inside her car for three years.

Sheridan’s husband Pete said: “It’s basically a f**king rubbish dump on wheels.

“There are things in there I don’t want to touch. There’s something that might have been an orange once. That’s next to some old snotty tissues.

“Donna spends hours washing her hands and smothering herself in antibacterial gel then gets into that germ-infested petri dish of a car. I love her but she is revolting.”

Donna Sheridan said: “Everyone knows you can’t catch coronavirus from a car. You also can’t catch it from dirty ovens, fridges and never washing your jeans.

“I mean, I’ve had hepatitis A, Salmonella and plenty of diarrhoea but not coronavirus.”