Which insane fitness cult is right for you?

DO you long for an exercise regime that will take over your life? Read our guide to which all-consuming fitness cult you should bore your family, friends and strangers with.


If you’ve ever wanted to throw a tyre for some reason, know what a burpee is, or just use exercise to make up for your lack of personality, Crossfit is perfect. Get ready to live it, breathe it and post incessantly on social media about it (to a rapidly diminishing group of followers).

High Intensity Interval Training

Are you busy? Do you not have time for a long workout? Do you not mind rushing around in short, mad bursts like a Muppet on coke? HIIT is the one for you. Sadly you’ll lose all those minutes gained telling bored people about how much time you’ve saved.  


It’s free and it makes the world into your gym, and other people into fun obstacles you can narrowly miss. Sign up to Park Run, link your running app to Facebook for daily posts enjoyed by no one, and enjoy blissful ignorance of what you’re doing to your knees. 


It’s the fitness cult that seems like it would make you better at sex, but really just makes you good at holding in farts while bending over. When you’re not noticeably fitter after lying on a yoga cushion a lot you can haughtily inform people that it’s actually about mind and body and they just don’t get it.



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What a bunch of awful, middle class twats, thinks former This Life fan

A FORMER fan of This Life watching the series a second time cannot believe he ever obsessed over such smug, solipsistic bilge.

Tom Logan, now 42, watched the series in his late teens and yearned for the life of a house share in South London in the company of ambitious, unashamed hedonists.

However within 10 minutes of starting to rewatch the series he realised what tedious, self-obsessed bastards the characters were. 

Logan said: “Firstly – ‘South London’? That implies somewhere deep down Lewisham way where the cabs daren’t go. They’re in bloody Southwark Bridge Road. That’s central London. 

“Second, those names. ‘Miles’? ‘Milly’? ‘Egg’? That alone makes them twats. Why the hell did I want them to be my friends? Don’t even mention that terminally annoying idiot Delilah.”

Logan also took issue with the characters’ much-vaunted drinking, drug-taking and casual sex, which never happened to him and which he could never afford anyway due to paying £1500 a month for a shithole in New Cross. 

He added: “The best bit was where she punches that woman in the face. That’s what it should have been the whole series – all of them punching each other in the face, all of the time.”