Sunday, 25th October 2020

Which insane fitness cult is right for you?

DO you long for an exercise regime that will take over your life? Read our guide to which all-consuming fitness cult you should bore your family, friends and strangers with.

Crossfit 

If you’ve ever wanted to throw a tyre for some reason, know what a burpee is, or just use exercise to make up for your lack of personality, Crossfit is perfect. Get ready to live it, breathe it and post incessantly on social media about it (to a rapidly diminishing group of followers).

High Intensity Interval Training

Are you busy? Do you not have time for a long workout? Do you not mind rushing around in short, mad bursts like a Muppet on coke? HIIT is the one for you. Sadly you’ll lose all those minutes gained telling bored people about how much time you’ve saved.  

Running 

It’s free and it makes the world into your gym, and other people into fun obstacles you can narrowly miss. Sign up to Park Run, link your running app to Facebook for daily posts enjoyed by no one, and enjoy blissful ignorance of what you’re doing to your knees. 

Yoga 

It’s the fitness cult that seems like it would make you better at sex, but really just makes you good at holding in farts while bending over. When you’re not noticeably fitter after lying on a yoga cushion a lot you can haughtily inform people that it’s actually about mind and body and they just don’t get it.