The Guardian reader's guide to befriending working class Brexiters

ARE you a hand-wringing liberal who thinks we should heal the divisions in society caused by Brexit? Here’s how to befriend a working class Leave person.

Approach them in a natural way

Whether it’s the builders working on your extension or a tattooed couple in a pub, begin with some normal working-class chat, eg. “Hello. Football, eh? Do you have legitimate concerns about immigration?”

Show you are not a member of the liberal elite 

Prove your working-class credentials by eating a pie while placing a bet on a ‘dog race’. If you feel guilty about the exploitation of greyhounds, you can always give a donation to PETA later. 

Avoid the subject of Brexit

Unfortunately many Brexiters just repeat long-debunked myths about the EU, which is so infuriating you’ll want to beat them around the head with a rolled-up copy of the Observer food magazine. Avoid this by sticking to working class topics like bricklaying and rugby.

Learn about working-class life

Fortunately TV companies run by middle-class people can help here. Coronation Street and particularly Eastenders are both 100 per cent accurate representations of working-class life, and you will learn useful phrases such as “It’s FAHHMILY!” and “E’s not worf it!”. Use them frequently.

Prepare to hear some illiberal opinions

Working class people can have robust opinions about topics like immigration, the death penalty and ‘paedos’. Half-heartedly agree with them in a cowardly fashion, like you did with that Sun-reading plumber. It’s the middle class way.

Invite them to a dinner party, but not at your house

It’s good to bridge the Brexit divide and respect your fellow citizens, but don’t let them know where you live or they’ll be popping round all the time with their dangerous dog to talk about chips.

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Is two bottles of vodka a day too much?

EVERYONE likes a tipple, but is cracking open that second bottle of vodka going too far? Take our test and find out.

What time and day is it?

A) I desperately hope it is not Monday morning.

B) Saturday or… Thursday? Not sure about the time. Probably ‘vodka o’clock’.

Are you meant to be at work?

A) Oh God. Two hours late again. Gotta go – after drinking a pint of water and hoping no one will notice I slept in my clothes.  

B) Nah. Got sacked months ago. I’m chillaxing to the max, like David Cameron.

Have you got any mixers or ice?

A) Yes. I have my first two tumblers of vodka with slimline tonic to help deny I’ve got a problem.

B) Why yes of course, your Majesty. I also have clean mugs, furniture not covered in fag burns and posh ‘curtains’ on the windows.

Have you been the focus of an intervention lately?

A) I managed to avert it by promising to cut down. By which I meant to a sensible 1.5 litres of vodka a day.

B) They tried but I saw them coming and hid in the park. After going to the offie, obviously.

Could you not drink that second bottle of vodka if you wanted to?

A) Absolutely. Last Wednesday I had six bottles of wine, which is totally different.

B) I’d like to see you try and stop me. But please try and stop me.

Mostly As: Two bottles of vodka a day is negatively impacting your work success and life expectancy. Keep it down to a normal one bottle of vodka a day and reap the benefits.

Mostly Bs: You’re fine! Things like having no job, no partner and a broken toilet are just temporary glitches. And nothing another delicious glass of vodka won’t sort out. Cheers!