White Wine 'Good For Getting You Fired' Say Docs

DRINKING four or five large glasses of white wine at an office night out increases your chances of being sacked by up to 80 per cent, new research shows.

Men who stuck to beer were found to be the least likely to get fired, although they were most likely to be found in a gutter with a kebab stuck to their jacket.

Drinkers of red wine were most likely to be found slumped in the corner with their flies undone and a cheese stick poking out of one ear.

Scientists made the astonishing discoveries after monitoring dismissal rates for various drinkers at offices across the UK.

White wine drinkers were found to be four times more likely than red wine drinkers to dance on a table and sing I Will Survive very loudly and out of tune before making ill-judged remarks about  the boss's wife.

They were more than five times more likely to try and take off their clothes, grab the chairman's  buttocks or tell their colleagues they were "full of shit".

Dr Nathan D. Muir of Glasgow’s Clyde University alcohol research unit said: "While white wine comes out tops for getting people binned it is important to recognise that not all whites have the same negative effect on your career prospects.

"We found that Chablis had a low propensity to bring about dismissal. The best ones to go for if you really want to get sacked are one of those oaky Australian chardonnays, or a lukewarm Spanish white."

While the researchers found that white wine was a key element to getting your cards other factors did play a part. "Being a quiet one" all year round was also a major contributor, as was wearing glasses and having frizzy hair.

A spokeswoman for the White Wine Producers Alliance said: "People are always going on about how red wine is good for your heart and all that rubbish. Who gives a monkey's?

"If you really want to get trashed and go mental at the office do then white wine is guaranteed to deliver outstanding results."

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Poland And Ukraine Win Plumbing And Joinery Contracts For Euro 2012

IN a surprise announcement Uefa has awarded the lucrative plumbing and joinery contracts for the Euro 2012 football championships to Poland and Ukraine.

Italy was expected to walk away with the multi-billion dollar prize until a mishap at the Sardinian villa of Uefa President Michel Platini.

"They'd done a lovely job on the bathrooms, the marble looked great and and the water pressure was spot on. I therefore decided to christen my new facilities with a celebratory bowel movement.

"I flushed the toilet and the next thing I know I'm ankle-deep in my own foulness."

Platini added: "I spoke to Leonard Johansson, my predecessor, and he said he'd had some Poles in recently and invited me round to his house to have a look at his cloakroom. It was magnificent.

"I also noticed the beautiful balustrade on his staircase. He said a team of Ukrainians had installed it in two days at a price I could not believe."

"Don't get me wrong. Italian craftsmanship is really nice but we just want the job done with no fuss."

The Uefa chief said the Poles and Ukrainians had offered to provide extensive references but Platini told them "not to bother".