Why, as a gammon, I am medically unable to wear a facemask

FACEMASKS are compulsory in shops, but many senior Brexiters are unable to comply on medical grounds. Roy Hobbs explains why: 

Blood pressure

As an older, angrier, high-cholesterol, Daily Express-reading heavy drinker and regular smoker, my blood pressure is through the roof. Having to put one of these bloody muzzles on would make me so furious a heart attack’s inevitable. So that’s not safe.

Oxygen access

My airways are constricted enough without having to suck air through one of these things. I already get dizzy climbing stairs because the air’s thinner at the top. Red-blooded blokes like me need more oxygen than these pale, thin liberal types.

Hygiene issues

I eat sausages for breakfast, cheese-and-onion crisps for elevenses, Scotch eggs and lager for lunch and regular pork scratchings. My breath’s no f**king joke, love. Wear one of these and I’m inhaling my own fumes all day, and honestly it knocks you sick.

Only protect other people

Correct me if I’m wrong, but they don’t even stop you catching the Covid. They just stop other people catching it. Well that’s their lookout, not mine. Why should I take responsibility for their healthcare? Will it be my fault when they break a leg? Idiocy.

Vulnerability to insults

Never mind the pandemic, what about how vulnerable these things leave us to ridicule? I wore one, once, because my daughter made me, and this teenager shouted ‘Look at the string on the gammon.’ Well that’s hurtful. It’s still hurting. That’s actual harm.

The Chinese wear them

Everyone’s on about how they all wear them in China and Japan. China. Think about it. China. Well that’s where this frigging virus has come from, isn’t it? So best case scenario the masks don’t work, worst case they’re what spreads it. That Chris Whitty needs to listen to sense.

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Last week of homeschool even more bullshit than last week of real school

CHILDREN have confirmed that the final week of homeschool before summer is even more bollocks than the final week of proper school. 

Kids used to spending their last week watching videos and doing wordsearches are not even being given these cursory entertainments, instead being ordered to piss off and bounce on trampolines.

Ten-year-old Tom Logan said: “Don’t get me wrong, we’re doing bugger all. But somehow it’s a lower quality of bugger all than we’re used to.

“I get that a non-uniform day wouldn’t really work, but what about some fun classroom games? What about a bit of creative play? How about getting the glitter out?

“Instead our ‘teacher’ is telling us to put something on Netflix from her bed, sticking us on the PlayStation straight after breakfast, and kicking us out in the garden whenever she’s on a Zoom call.

“I reminded mum we still had a project unfinished from last week, after I threw that massive tantrum on Friday, and she said she didn’t care. To me that’s unprofessional.

“Still, at least the holidays start next week, and Mum will be playing with us and taking us on great days out non-stop.”