Why, as a gammon, I am medically unable to wear a facemask
FACEMASKS are compulsory in shops from July 24, but many senior Brexiters are unable to comply on medical grounds. Roy Hobbs explains why:
As an older, angrier, high-cholesterol, Daily Express-reading heavy drinker and regular smoker, my blood pressure is through the roof. Having to put one of these bloody muzzles on would make me so furious a heart attack’s inevitable. So that’s not safe.
My airways are constricted enough without having to suck air through one of these things. I already get dizzy climbing stairs because the air’s thinner at the top. Red-blooded blokes like me need more oxygen than these pale, thin liberal types.
I eat sausages for breakfast, cheese-and-onion crisps for elevenses, Scotch eggs and lager for lunch and regular pork scratchings. My breath’s no f**king joke, love. Wear one of these and I’m inhaling my own fumes all day, and honestly it knocks you sick.
Only protect other people
Correct me if I’m wrong, but they don’t even stop you catching the Covid. They just stop other people catching it. Well that’s their lookout, not mine. Why should I take responsibility for their healthcare? Will it be my fault when they break a leg? Idiocy.
Vulnerability to insults
Never mind the pandemic, what about how vulnerable these things leave us to ridicule? I wore one, once, because my daughter made me, and this teenager shouted ‘Look at the string on the gammon.’ Well that’s hurtful. It’s still hurting. That’s actual harm.
The Chinese wear them
Everyone’s on about how they all wear them in China and Japan. China. Think about it. China. Well that’s where this frigging virus has come from, isn’t it? So best case scenario the masks don’t work, worst case they’re what spreads it. That Chris Whitty needs to listen to sense.