Wolf Hall making gout fashionable

HILARY Mantel’s popular book Wolf Hall has made gout the must-have middle class illness, it has been claimed.

Medical experts believe the novel is encouraging readers to eat like gluttonous monarchs.

Doctor Emma Bradford said: “Henry VIII is a central figure in Wolf Hall and its sequel, and was a renowned gout sufferer.

“Middle class people seeking one-upmanship on their peers are flocking to see the Wolf Hall play, but the real social high ground lies in actually getting gout.”

Architect Mary Fisher said: “My best friend thought she was more immersed in the Tudor era because she’d been to see the poxy theatre version.

“You should had seen her face when I showed her my immensely swollen foot and explained that my kidneys were unable to break down all the rich foods I’d be eating.

“Also I’ve been having port, veal and broiled swan for breakfast for three months, even when I don’t fancy it. Totally worth it though.”

“But I must say my foot really fucking hurts.”

Fisher’s best friend Susan Traherne said: “She thinks she’s living a Wolf Hall lifestyle with her gout, but I bleed my children with leeches when they get colds plus I’ve got poor personal hygiene and a weird skin rash that could be scrofula.

“How does she like them historical apples?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

If the president of France can't have some naughty fun, what hope is there for humanity?

Dear Holly,

I’ve been accused of having an affair and it’s making headlines. Personally I can’t see a problem. Not saying I did it or anything, but when the president of France can’t have some naughty fun now and again, what hope is there for humanity? 

Francoise Hollande


Dear Francoise,

My sister once had a French pen pal called Bruno Watine. In his letters he said was from Lille in the north of France, he had a mum and dad and a sister called Marjorie and two cats. He also said he liked to play football, go to the swimming pool and listen to music. What Bruno neglected to mention (possibly because he was still mastering English), but what became quickly apparent when he came to England for an exchange visit was that he had powerful-smelling B.O., an immense monobrow, and carried all his things in a Power Rangers rucksack. My sister decided she didn’t want to lose her virginity (whatever that is) to a Frenchman after all.

Hope that helps!