Woman improves morning routine by adding line of coke

A WOMAN has made her mornings more streamlined and productive by snorting a fat line off the mirror.

Nikki Hollis, aged 34, found that a quick toot on waking lessened the dread and lethargy of hearing the alarm, put a spring in her step and sent her out the door with a smile.

Hollis said: “I tried drinking hot water with lemon, I tried yoga, but I’m not living on an ashram facing sunrise, I’m in a semi on the outskirts of Reading.

“Taking cocaine every morning gives me a clear head, a desire to engage with everyone I meet with a level of intensity that scares them, and boundless energy until I slump.

“I jog to the office, I’ve cut out coffee entirely, and I really contribute in meetings. And my work’s much more important to me now I need the money for class A drugs.”

Boss Susan Traherne said: “Since adopting her ‘Rise and Line’ routine earlier this year, Nikki’s productivity and engagement with our client base has gone through the roof.

“I am also her dealer.”

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We cater to everyone

Even when we probably shouldn’t. Have we made it easier for extremist views to become mainstream? Well, frothing xenophobes pay their licence fee just like you. Do you want to be their sounding board when Question Time’s gone?

CBeebies

Pacifies toddlers from when they wake shrieking at the crack of dawn through to their final angry stupor. The country’s babysitter only you don’t have to drive it home or buy it snacks. You’re welcome.

Sky’s been going 30 years and hasn’t had one good show

There are shows on Sky that Britain watches, but only the American ones we used to buy until Sky came along. What else has it had? Dream Team? Brainiac: Science Abuse? Making telly is hard.

Netflix is doomed

You’ve probably heard about Netflix is in £12 billion of debt. If not, did you know that Netflix are in £12 billion of debt? It’s only a few quid a month less than us, and it doesn’t do news, or radio, or a website. If they’re struggling with this business model, we’ll die.

What would you buy instead?

Everything costs a fortune these days. You’ve probably had nights out that set you back more £154.50. In fact you’d be better off financially by staying in with a bottle of wine and a Top Gear binge-watch. Put Mrs. Brown’s Boys on. We don’t judge.

It’s us or Rupert Murdoch

Okay, we’re not perfect, but come on. Emperor Palpatine will strengthen his stranglehold on the media if we go under, so do yourself a favour and pay the licence? If we bring back Blake’s 7 as a high-budget drama, will that seal it?

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