Woman obsessively social distancing for months going for haircut moment it's possible

A WOMAN who has barely left the house in months because she is paranoid about coronavirus will f**k it all off for a haircut, she has confirmed. 

Charlotte Phelps will not even go to the shops for a pint of milk, washes groceries with bleach and wears a facemask in the garden, but has already booked a July 4th appointment to get her roots done.

She said: “I can’t be expected to go on like this. I found three grey hairs this morning. Some things are bigger than the pandemic.

“We need to be allowed to defend what’s important to us. This must be how NHS workers feel, risking their lives for the greater good.

“It’s a humanitarian endeavor for the whole of society. It’s an affirmation of worth. Caring for my hair is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is a radical political act.

“If I go down to the virus at least I’ll go down with beautifully even highlights and no split ends.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

I cannot go to the USA for questioning because they don't have Pizza Express, says Prince Andrew

PRINCE Andrew has confirmed that he has refused to submit to questioning by the US Department of Justice because there is no Pizza Express there. 

The Duke of York admitted he has turned down requests for an interview because he is unable to be more than 50 miles from his favourite Italian restaurant chain, which is currently closed.

He continued: “Picture the scene. I’m in New York, I’m taken to the interrogation room. The classic good-cop-bad-cop combination is opposite me, a swinging bare bulb the only illumination. Then I fancy some dough balls.

“I ask for them to be brought to me, piping hot with garlic butter. The good cop agrees. The bad cop snarls ‘There ain’t no Pizza Express in NYC, asshole.’

“I say what about Pollo Forza? Sloppy Giuseppe? A simple Barbacoa? The bad cop shakes his head. I stand up, unable to continue, beat them both in a kung-fu fight, steal a helicopter and fly back to Woking.

“If the Pinkertons wish to ask me questions about the paedophile pimp I had a perfectly innocent friendship with, they will find me there.”

A Department of Justice spokesman said: “On the one hand outrageous, on the other we are kind of busy being systemically racist right now.”