Woman refusing to concede that husband has cold

A WOMAN is refusing to accept that her husband has caught a cold in case he expects special treatment. 

Carolyn Ryan has stoutly denied that husband Jeff is suffering a cold, offering reasons for his sniffles and sneezes ranging from hay fever to allergies to a delayed-onset hangover.

She said: “Yes his nose is streaming, but have you seen the pollen count? It’s through the roof.

“And of course he can’t taste anything after that jalfrezi he had last night. Last week. Whatever. Anyway, that’s that explained.

“The sneezing? He could sort that out himself by getting the duster out. It’s an inch thick in here. But he’d rather lie about with his tissues and his Lemsip he doesn’t need.

“Bugger off it’s a cold. I’m not running around after him while he lies in bed malingering. It’s a collection of disparate symptoms which coincidentally add up to look like a cold but each with their own individual explanation, that’s all.”

She added: “If he gives it to me I’ll fucking kill him.”

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500,000 Game of Thrones fans sign petition demanding cuddle from mummy

HALF a million Game of Thrones fans have signed a petition demanding a special cuddle and an assurance that mummy loves them.

While the vast majority of viewers have enjoyed watching the show’s final series, a significant minority are clamouring to be allowed to snuggle up with their favourite teddy.

Removing his thumb from his mouth and gesturing with his blankie, Stephen Malley said: “It’s not fair. I want a cuddle from mother and I want one now. And I must have my warm milk before bed. But not too soon before, or you know what happens.”

From behind her folded arms, Nikki Hollis said: “We demand that we all get our hair ruffled and a great big hug from mummy. And anyway, I’m not talking to you.”

The same 500,000 thousand people have also signed a letter stating that if Robert Pattinson is cast in the next Batman film they will hold their breath until they pass out.