Woman washing hands 60 times a day driving filthy shit tip of a car

A WOMAN who is constantly washing her hands due to the coronavirus is still driving around in a disgusting shit tip of a car.

Donna Sheridan spends at least two hours a day wiping surfaces, keyboards, mobile phones and door handles yet has not cleaned inside her car for three years.

Sheridan’s husband Pete said: “It’s basically a f**king rubbish dump on wheels.

“There are things in there I don’t want to touch. There’s something that might have been an orange once. That’s next to some old snotty tissues.

“Donna spends hours washing her hands and smothering herself in antibacterial gel then gets into that germ-infested petri dish of a car. I love her but she is revolting.”

Donna Sheridan said: “Everyone knows you can’t catch coronavirus from a car. You also can’t catch it from dirty ovens, fridges and never washing your jeans.

“I mean, I’ve had hepatitis A, Salmonella and plenty of diarrhoea but not coronavirus.”

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Woman choosing dinner party guests based on lack of stupid dietary requirements

A WOMAN is inviting people to a dinner party based on them not being annoying idiots who will mess up her menu plans. 

Emma Bradford has decided to eschew friends in favour of people she does not particularly like, so long as they do not have faddish or made-up dietary restrictions.

Bradford said: “I’ve got a beef stroganoff recipe from my mum I know is a winner. More importantly I just want to dump it in the oven and get wasted.

“Last time I invited people I actually wanted to spend time with and ended up with one vegan, one nut allergy, one gluten intolerance and Steve who thinks it’s interesting and quirky to be a picky eater.

“This time I’ll invite any socially dysfunctional cretin so long as they just chow down on whatever I chuck in front of them.   

“Rachel who only talks about minor work issues affecting people I don’t know is on the list. Also Jasper. I can’t wait to hear the latest updates from his cycling club and Star Trek: Picard.

“Frankly anyone easy to feed is welcome. My cheating ex, my bitchy mother-in-law, Michael Gove. Actually not him. There are limits.”