Woman who went to doctor with cold moaning that NHS is overstretched

A WOMAN who went to see her GP because she had a bit of sniffle was outraged that the waiting room was full of people.

Francesca Johnson had been feeling run down and complaining of a ‘scratchy throat’ for two days when she made the appointment, despite knowing full well that a doctor could do shit all about it.

Johnson said: “I insisted that it was an emergency, which it was because I needed to go and buy a toaster shortly afterwards.

“The receptionist was very impatient, as if she had better things to do than wait for five minutes whilst I figured out how to use the calendar on my iPhone.

“When I arrived I found the waiting room was absolutely packed with people, and I had to wait for ages. When I finally saw the doctor she said I should rest, keep warm and drink plenty of fluids.

“I could have prescribed that myself. Honestly, what do these people train for seven years for? The NHS is in an appalling state and I’m tempted to go private.”

Johnson’s GP Julian Cook said: “If she went private it might help. Or, alternately, if she died.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The judgmental bastard's guide to poverty

DO you feel poor people are basically scum who bring it on themselves? Here’s how to be a judgmental bastard about poverty.

Claim poor people all have loads of pets
They did on that clearly trustworthy Channel 5 documentary, Skint and Skiving. Is it really too much to ask that they grill a couple of hamsters for a cheap and nutritious meal?

Do a bizarre calculation about food costs
Speaking of food, no poor person ever cooks cheaply. However you’ve worked out a 25kg sack of oats would feed a family of four for seven weeks for £20 if they only ate porridge made with water instead of milk. They could fry up congealed bits for variety.

Say they should have done better at school
Let’s face it, poor people are the type who mucked about at school. Or just weren’t very academic. Whatever. Luckily they now know the value of education, which will prevent them being poor once boffins find a way to reverse time and make them 11 again.

Ask why they have mobile phones
As everyone knows, all mobiles cost the same as a top-of-the-range iPhone and are purely a frivolous luxury item like a life-size clockwork peacock.

Make stuff up
Your mate Keith knew a family that went to food banks, but when he went round to their house it was full of diamonds. Buckets of them. Just because this didn’t happen doesn’t mean it can’t illustrate a wider point about why ‘poverty’ is bollocks.