Women convinced that ‘hovering’ is a legitimate way to use a toilet

MILLIONS of otherwise rational women are trying to use toilets without touching them.

Researchers found that 91 per cent of women believe that crouching in the general direction of the toilet bowl is a viable and hygienic way of relieving themselves.

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “Other people’s toilets have germs on them that make your arse melt.

“That’s why I prefer to cling onto the sink then carefully lower myself into a sort of kangaroo posture.

“Obviously there are problems in terms of aim but any mess can, and will, be blamed on men.”

Hygienist Norman Steele said: “I’ve been using toilet seats ‘full contact’ for years and so far I have not died of a flesh-eating tropical disease. Sometimes I don’t particularly want to sit on them but I accept it as necessary.

“The whole hovering thing is insane and makes you wonder what other strange things women get up to behind closed doors, and whether they may in fact be more disgusting than men.”

Mary Fisher added: “You’ve got to hover in public toilets, because they get so rank from all the people hovering.

“Afterwards, I always carefully wash my hands by turning on the taps and holding them near the water.

“Of course you can’t touch the water. Germs.”

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80 per cent of global population would use ‘selfie stick’ to catch a fish

MOST of humanity would instinctively use a ‘selfie stick’ to catch a fish rather than for taking pictures of themselves, it has been confirmed.

The Institute of Studies undertook an experiment where they gave children in the developing world a ‘selfie stick’ and asked them to make use of it.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most of them tied a piece of string to the end and dangled it in the nearest river.

“They also used bundles of selfie sticks tied together with string for small-scale building projects, or simply pretended they were swords and chased their friends around with them.

“They’re kids after all.”

Professor Brubaker did eventually explain the selfie sticks’ intended use: “Then the kids started getting other kids to photograph them fishing, and used image processing software to make the fish look bigger than they actually were.

“Just because they’re struggling against poverty doesn’t mean they don’t like bragging on Facebook.”