Women demand equal flu to men

WOMEN should have the right to exaggerate minor colds and be mocked for it just the same as men, campaigners have claimed.

While men take it for granted that they can play up symptoms of illness to solicit extra sympathy, then have the piss ripped by anyone who is in proximity of their childish whining, women are fighting hard for the right to be equally as lame.

Campaigner Donna Sheridan said: “The struggle for equality doesn’t stop at pay or parenting, it needs to reach every part of our lives. This includes the right to lie about snivelling into tissues and watching Narcos whilst feeling excessively sorry for ourselves.

“And, of course, we don’t expect any special dispensation as women so we also want to be ridiculed and accused of being liars and malingerers.

“If we display symptoms any less serious than bleeding from an artery or not having a pulse, we will expect to be absolutely slated.”

Professor Henry Brubaker from the Institute for Studies said: “As if being ill wasn’t unpleasant enough, people like to add to the misery by making each other feel guilty if they take one day off from their miserable, soul-sapping jobs.

“Human beings really are the most tedious idiots.”  

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Mummy drinking whole bottle of grown-up Ribena before teatime

MUMMIES are very thirsty for their special Ribena in the afternoon, children have confirmed.

Youngsters have reported that often the grown-up fruit drink, which comes in a glass bottle with foreign writing on it, comes out of the cupboard as soon as mummy comes in and before she has even put down her car keys.

Eight-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Sometimes I say ‘what’s that’? And mummy says ‘it’s my special Ribena, now here’s your tablet computer, go away and play with it’.

“Then mummy sits in the kitchen staring out of the window, taking big slurps. Sometimes she will have a cigarette too but that is a secret.

“When I come back downstairs for my tea the special Ribena bottle will be in the recycling. It is empty because mummy has drunk it all.

“Sometimes mummy will have opened another bottle and drunk half of that one too.”

Seven-year-old Eleanor Shaw said her mother also likes special Ribena: “I can tell when mummy’s had some because she does her sleepy voice and is not as strict.”