Sunday, 9th May 2021

You irresponsible office-working pubgoing bastards, says government

THE UK may face a second lockdown thanks to irresponsible bastards working in offices and drinking in pubs, the government has warned. 

Health secretary Matt Hancock has placed the blame for the second wave squarely on the shoulders of Britons who freely mingled in unsafe office environments, drank in pubs, or met to eat in restaurants.

He continued: “What were you thinking? How you could you be so selfish?

“Well, when we’re all confined to your homes again we’ll know exactly who to blame. All those people who rushed back to Wagamama’s like they hadn’t been fed in months.

“Though it’s the offices that gets me. This last six months have proved perfectly well to everyone that homeworking works. Why did you take the needless risk of going back?

“And then you’re in the pubs after, not a care in the world, none of you wearing masks. Well, now we’re all in the last chance saloon. Let there be no doubt: any second lockdown is on you.”

Hancock confirmed that the government has passed the names and addresses of anyone who used Eat Out to Help Out to the police, and they will be retrospectively fined £10,000.