Sunday, 1st November 2020

The middle class guide to talking to your supermarket delivery man

UNSURE what to say to the working class man, or occasionally woman, who brings your massive supermarket delivery round? Try these convincingly matey conversations.

Take a weird interest in their working day

Handy if you’re not sure what to say to the plebeian on your doorstep. Find out when their shift ends, how many deliveries they do an hour, and so on. Don’t worry that it’s a bit strange and you’d never ask, say, an HR person to outline their entire working day in mind-numbing detail.

Assume they’re going to the pub afterwards

“Off to the pub later?” shows you have the common touch. There’s no way a delivery person could be offended by the suggestion that they start hammering the booze the second they finish work.

Pathetically mention your own manual labour

If you’ve been sitting at a desk all day while they’ve been lugging heavy crates around, randomly mention some physical task you’ve recently done yourself, eg. digging up a shrub. It will make the conversation confusing, but will stop you feeling like an effete office weakling.

Swot up on working class pursuits 

To help you converse with your class inferior, make a mental note of any important football games taking place that day/evening, and ask if they are watching them. Here are some other things that working class people love: Coronation Street, pub skittles, chips with curry sauce, Love Island, hare coursing.

Kick up a fuss about a minor substitution

Ruin all your earlier good work by going ballistic when there’s a minor change to your order. It’s all very well attempting to bond with the lower orders, but there is no damn excuse for bringing you ordinary artichoke hearts in water when you asked for organic ones in oil with a hint of parsley.