Monday, 3rd August 2020

Your guide to lying about how much you smoke

DO you think you’re ‘cutting down’ by pretending to smoke less than you do? Here’s how to convince yourself and other people. 

Be creative with the numbers

If asked how many you smoke a day, say something innocuous like “Oh… maybe five or six”. Lie to yourself enough and you’ll start to believe this is true, rather than the correct figure of “20 if it’s normal fags, if it’s roll-ups, about 100.”

Claim the smoking ban has ‘practically made you stop’

You’re not daft enough to stand in the freezing cold for the sake of a fag, right? Neglect to mention that during any trip to the pub you’re up and down like a jack-in-the-box as you go for a fag every 15 minutes and hail the size of bricks wouldn’t stop you puffing away.

Focus on the times you don’t smoke

Cheerfully tell people “Sometimes I don’t smoke a cigarette all day!”. Don’t dwell on the fact that this is only because it’s really difficult to smoke at work and you are constantly thinking about lovely fags. Or your ‘binge smoking’ in the evening when you easily overtake a daytime smoker on 40 a day. 

Pretend you only smoke when you drink 

Which is a hell of a lot, and you have to finish off the packet because they’re so expensive. To not do so would be a massive waste of money and totally irresponsible.

You’re giving up 

Gravely tell everyone you’re giving up, when you really mean you’re thinking about giving up. It’s a shame this principle doesn’t apply to the rest of life, because we could all easily be billionaires or go out with Scarlett Johansson.