A Brexiter's simple guide to EU charges

PARCELS sent to or from the EU now carry extra charges, a detail left out of the Brexit deal. Leave voter Norman Steele explains these vindictive costs: 

The EU wants you to suffer

That coat you bought online, that you’re getting charged £82 delivery for. Nothing to do with customs duties and us being a ‘third country’ like Remainers claim. The EU’s strategists have realised it’s cold here and are trying to cut off our coat supply so we can’t go out.

They’ve massively in debt

Wondering why they need to get money off us right now? It’s because the EU is facing total financial collapse. Read a pro-Brexit Facebook page and don’t be fooled by lies. Every time they confiscate a jar of Bovril from a trucker, they cash it in.

They envy our swanky debit cards

They’re putting Mastercard charges up out of spite because we’ve got electronic money, whereas in primitive EU countries they pay for things with filthy Euro notes or a crude barter system based on olive oil, so I’m told. It’s jealousy. Pathetic.

They’re trying to starve us out

Don’t believe the EU when they claim 16 forms per lobster is making food more expensive. They’re just up to their old WW2 tricks but with lorries instead of U-boats. If Golden Delicious start costing £50, don’t buy them and have a tasty British crab apple instead.

They fear Britain’s superior lifestyle

There’s an obvious reason why roaming charges are back – they don’t want Brits to call their citizens and tell them how much better life is here. The Brussels dictators don’t want French peasants discovering we don’t have to eat scum we’ve skimmed off ponds.

The EU is basically the mafia

The EU is always looking for new scams, like courier firms charging by the hour for three days stuck in British ports. Don’t give in to them, or Michel Barnier and his thugs will be round your house ordering you to eat a clove of garlic there and then or they burn it down.

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'Can I get back to you on that?' and other ways to respond when someone says 'I love you'

SOMEONE dropped the L-bomb out of the blue? Stuck for a response? Check out these half-dozen ways to let them down easy (for you): 

‘Good to know!’

Stick with the facts. It actually is helpful to know that this bloke you only begrudgingly acknowledge as a friend thinks you’re the one. Now you can taper things off, warn your friends and set the date when you’re ghosting him.

‘Can I get back to you on that?’

Love’s a big deal, so no need to give a response immediately. Ask if you can have a bit of time to mull over their embarrassing admission. Keep putting them off as you would a work project you really don’t want to do and eventually they’ll probably forget about it.

‘That’s brave of you.’

You’ve got to hand it to them — admitting that you want to not just shag someone but also maybe spend time with them watching TV and eating food is extraordinarily courageous. Putting a real emphasis on ‘brave’ should tell them all they need to know.


It’s only polite to thank your wishful paramour, but try not to be too lavish about it in case you lead them on. A simple ‘cheers’ pushes them safely back into mate/postman/checkout worker territory.

‘Thanks, fuck off.’

Honesty tempered with the bare minimum of politeness is the best policy if you never want to see this person again. But be warned, absence can make the heart grow fonder and they might think you’re just playing hard to get. Probably best to just say ‘I love you too’ and let them down over the course of several wasted years instead.