Monday, 8th March 2021

Government just can't fathom why Scotland would want independence

THE Government admits it is struggling with the Scottish independence movement because it cannot think of a single reason why they might want it. 

Political heavyweights Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Dominic Raab have puzzled long into the night as to how a thriving Scottish nationalist movement can exists when things are just perfect as they are.

Raab said: “We’re trying to understand the mentality that would believe something like ‘Scotland should be ruled from Holyrood, not Westminster’. But how can you possibly?

“The three of us are all Oxford-educated and we’ve all visited Scotland on grouse shoots, so this shouldn’t be beyond us. But we are absolutely stumped.

“People say the pandemic, but we’re doing brilliantly with that. They say Brexit, but that’s an unqualified success. They say we’re out-of-touch and patronising, but why are they worrying their little haggis-heads about that?

“No, the cause of Scottish nationalism is entirely irrational, based on delusions of misplaced patriotism, and we would never be as irresponsible as to allow it to happen. Somebody’s got to be the adults in the room.

“Instead, as a compromise, we’ll forbid their referendum, dissolve their parliament and ban their language. That should calm things down.”