Government just can't fathom why Scotland would want independence

THE Government admits it is struggling with the Scottish independence movement because it cannot think of a single reason why they might want it. 

Political heavyweights Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Dominic Raab have puzzled long into the night as to how a thriving Scottish nationalist movement can exists when things are just perfect as they are.

Raab said: “We’re trying to understand the mentality that would believe something like ‘Scotland should be ruled from Holyrood, not Westminster’. But how can you possibly?

“The three of us are all Oxford-educated and we’ve all visited Scotland on grouse shoots, so this shouldn’t be beyond us. But we are absolutely stumped.

“People say the pandemic, but we’re doing brilliantly with that. They say Brexit, but that’s an unqualified success. They say we’re out-of-touch and patronising, but why are they worrying their little haggis-heads about that?

“No, the cause of Scottish nationalism is entirely irrational, based on delusions of misplaced patriotism, and we would never be as irresponsible as to allow it to happen. Somebody’s got to be the adults in the room.

“Instead, as a compromise, we’ll forbid their referendum, dissolve their parliament and ban their language. That should calm things down.”

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Boyfriend does 12-item supermarket shop and gets them all wrong

A MAN has returned from the supermarket with all 12 items that his girlfriend requested, each of them wrong. 

Nathan Muir came home honestly believing that because he had purchased every item on the list he had done a good job, rather than wasting 45 minutes and £38.66.

Girlfriend Hannah Tomlinson said: “Just because they’re called ‘Mrs Plumpton’s Springhouse Farm’ doesn’t mean they’re free-range. I wanted free-range eggs. These are cruel eggs.

“I told you I wanted the Chicken Korma from the takeaway range, not the ordinary one, and what’s this ‘Charlie Bigham’ lasagne in a fancy wooden tray? How do I recycle that?

“Bourbons are not nice biscuits. Bourbons are emergency biscuits for builders. And you thought ‘full-fat’ milk was what we have? How?

“This hair mousse is for women with frizzy hair. Are you saying I’ve got frizzy hair? Then you’ve got Lurpak when it wasn’t on offer. I said ‘only if it’s on offer’. Never full price.”

She added: “I genuinely don’t know where this relationship is going.”