Five types of story that give Daily Mail readers the raging horn

OUTRAGED? Livid? That’s the only way you can get blood flowing to your genitalia any more? Daily Mail reader Bill McKay divulges the genres of story that give him life: 

‘Immigrants get just desserts’

If asylum seekers insist on escaping famine and war they should be prepared for brutal punishment, gleefully covered in the Mail. Deportations, long-term imprisonment with no hope of release, losing court cases about their human rights: I’m swelling with patriotic pride just thinking it.

‘Lunatic EU does idiot thing’

There’s nothing more affirming or arousing than Brussels bringing in mad laws protecting their right to munch bratwurst on a subsidised municipal waterslide or some bollocks. Thank f**k we’re in an independent UK, where I have the freedom to toss myself off at the thought of how much better we are than them.

‘Child sent home from school for arbitrary reason’

My children are in their 40s, but if I always ensured they abided by the strict dress code at their C of E school. Furthermore, I believe it’s an insult to our great armed forces when children wear the wrong shoes or have long hair. A picture of a feckless mother with her arms crossed next to a child who’s dyed their hair pink ‘for charity’ is my erotica.

‘This food will give you cancer’

My simple diet of bacon, ketchup and white bread is medically impeccable, so I’m delighted to read that grapefruit makes your eyes fall out or sushi gives you rickets. I often pleasure myself imagining health-conscious, oat-latte-drinking young people collapsing in the street because they eat too much smashed avocado.

‘Meghan Markle exists’

The British public was lied to and betrayed by Markle. She might be 5,000 miles away but her presence still burns away at my wife and I constantly. Learning that she has a new business venture, has done something for charity or has walked her dog gets us so inflamed we have to retire to the bedroom.

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Man comes to disturbing realisation that he enjoys running

A MAN is afraid of what he might become after going out on a run and enjoying it.

Julian Cook was so bored during lockdown that he begrudgingly decided to go for a run, only to find that it was not that bad and that he was considering doing it again.

He said: “My wife wanted to go for a run, so like any good husband I went along so I could prove her wrong.

“But next thing I knew I was bounding along the path inhaling gulps of fresh air, feeling more relaxed than I have in months. It was disgusting.

“I kept telling myself I could stop any time, but I just didn’t want to. I took a second lap round. It’s all a blur but, yes, I might have even picked up the pace.

“I couldn’t look my wife in the eye afterwards. The repercussions this will have on our marriage, like improvements to my general health and well-being? I didn’t know how I was going to sleep that night. Like a baby. The next morning I woke before the alarm.

“What if I become one of the wankers posting about sunrises and natural highs after 2.2k hill climbs? What if I do a half-marathon? A full marathon? What if I do it dressed as an aubergine? Oh God.”