Monday, 8th March 2021

'Caribbean' and other things Americans can't stop mispronouncing

AMERICANS have made more television than anyone else, and we’ve got nothing else to do but watch it. But why do they say these words f**k all like they’re meant to? 


What Britain assumed was a joke about Homer Simpson’s ignorance is how real-life nuclear physicists pronounce the name of their field of study. They’re preventing Chernobyls daily and they can’t even talk right.


Perhaps too overwhelmed by memories of the Cuban Miss-ull Crisis to think straight, Americans will vacation in these islands but will not f**king learn how to say their name. While being outraged you don’t know all 50 states in reverse alphabetical order.


Americans lose all reading capacity when confronted with something as simple as aluminium foil, skipping the second ‘i’ completely and letting the last half of the word fall from their mouths like chewed food. And our kids say it because they’re raised by Netflix.


Colonel Sanders was famously a Cockney, so of course he dropped the H when referring to his blend of 11 ‘erbs and spices. In tribute, London has turned itself entirely into fried chicken outlets.


Want to make the most of your leisure time? Save vital seconds by not saying ‘LEEEE’ the way a mum calling her kid in for his tea in the 1970s would.


For f**k’s sake. Craig and Greg are two completely separate names, but tell an American to email Craig and they’ll send it to Greg in the Birmingham office. But they’re both wankers’ names so it’ll probably be fine.