'Caribbean' and other things Americans can't stop mispronouncing

AMERICANS have made more television than anyone else, and we’ve got nothing else to do but watch it. But why do they say these words f**k all like they’re meant to?

Nuke-u-ler

What Britain assumed was a joke about Homer Simpson’s ignorance is how real-life nuclear physicists pronounce the name of their field of study. They’re preventing Chernobyls daily and they can’t even talk right.

Cur-ri-bee-un

Perhaps too overwhelmed by memories of the Cuban Miss-ull Crisis to think straight, Americans will vacation in these islands but will not f**king learn how to say their name. While being outraged you don’t know all 50 states in reverse alphabetical order.

Ah-lu-mi-num

Americans lose all reading capacity when confronted with something as simple as aluminium foil, skipping the second ‘i’ completely and letting the last half of the word fall from their mouths like chewed food. And our kids say it because they’re raised by Netflix.

Erbs

Colonel Sanders was famously a Cockney, so of course he dropped the H when referring to his blend of 11 ‘erbs and spices. In tribute, London has turned itself entirely into fried chicken outlets.

Lee-zhuhr

Want to make the most of your leisure time? Save vital seconds by not saying ‘LEEEE’ the way a mum calling her kid in for his tea in the 1970s would.

Creg

For f**k’s sake. Craig and Greg are two completely separate names, but tell an American to email Craig and they’ll send it to Greg in the Birmingham office. But they’re both wankers’ names so it’ll probably be fine.

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How to bring the ambience of your dodgy local pub to your living room

MISSING your local bar during lockdown? Here are five ways to recreate the uniquely unpleasant atmosphere of your beloved watering hole at home.

Paint the ceiling a horrible yellow colour

Despite the fact that no one has been allowed to smoke in them for years, many pub ceilings still bear the nicotine stains of several decades of happy smokers. Recreate this at home by dissolving several chicken Oxo cubes in a tin of white emulsion and slapping it on.

Make the carpet sticky

The sticky trudge across the carpet for another pint is an integral part of the British pub experience. If you have young children, your floor coverings are likely heading towards total adhesion already. Allow them to make their own peanut butter and jam sandwiches for optimum stickiness.

Create a naggingly unpleasant smell

Struggling to remember the aroma of your favourite local? It smells of old, lingering farts, like all pubs have since the smoking ban. To recreate this at home, have a pot of cabbage on a continuous rolling boil whilst occasionally wafting a jar of pickled eggs around.

Never clean your toilet

No pub experience is complete without an unpleasant trip to the toilet. Make your bathroom into a nasty hell hole by pissing copiously all over the floor and scrawling obscene graffiti on the walls, then add one small urinal cake to the loo in a very token effort at hygiene.

Become a pub bore

Every pub has some tedious old duffer perpetually sat at the end of the bar who loves droning on about things like Brexit and potholes. As the pub’s sole customer, this is your role now. Luckily you are also the landlord, so you can kick yourself out when you get too pissed and start shouting about immigrants.

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