A guide to the Trump presidency of 2019

DONALD Trump will begin 2019 as president of the United States of America. But will he finish the year that way, and will the USA survive? Find out: 

JANUARY

Trump and his bizarre family celebrate New Year’s Eve in their stylishly excessive way by shooting a sacred white buffalo in the 57th-storey piano room of Trump Tower.

FEBRUARY

Trump gives contentious posthumous pardon to John Wilkes Booth.

MARCH

Trump gives press conference querying whether the internet is working because Kanye West has neither liked nor retweeted any of his tweets for months.

APRIL

Arrested and charged with more than 177 offences, including the newly-coined crime of megatreason, a bewildered Trump asks how Hillary Clinton has got away with this.

MAY

Taking the stand for the first time, Trump offers to provide incriminating testimony against his colleagues, his family, his wife and his mentor, Vladimir Putin.

JUNE

Anyone and everyone ever connected with Donald Trump, including Nigel Farage, Piers Morgan and Macauley Culkin, is arrested. ‘I am the only innocent man in America,’ Trump claims.

JULY

Forced to swear on a bible, Melania Trump dissolves into more than a thousand venomous snakes. Fox News admires their natural beauty and grace.

AUGUST

President Mike Pence announces the conversion of everyone in the United States, and Israel, to Christianity. Deposed next day when his torrid affair with Arlene Foster revealed.

SEPTEMBER

Representing himself, Trump tells trial judge ‘You’re fired’. Is told ‘This is not The Apprentice.’ Says ‘You’re fired!’ again.

OCTOBER

Trump pleads insanity. Judge rules it self-evident.

NOVEMBER

Found guilty on all charges, Trump sentenced to live in a magnetic cell orbiting the Earth.

DECEMBER

Trump announces 2020 presidential run. Has strong support from rural white conservatives in the Midwest.